A Renaissance of Passion
by castlefan6
Summary: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues by request
1. Chapter 1

**Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously (From A Long Way Home)**

"_**Don't be giving me none of that tongue, you got that straight writer man, I'm a married lady, with children, "**_

_**Rick was laughing as he pulled Lanie in for a long hug, whispering "it's great to see you again, I missed you guys."**_

_**Next behind Lanie was Jenny looking as beautiful as always, and then Kevin, and then he almost fainted, he gasped loud enough for those close to him to hear,**_

"_**Hello Rick, it's been a long time, I hope you don't mind me being here," Kate said, looking more beautiful than she ever had.**_

_**He pulled her into a hug, for the longest time, both whispering in the other's ear, their friends thought that neither would let the other go, finally, she pulled back and kissed him, then whispered, "Yes, I do, I always have and I always will love you"**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 1**

**New York, Old Haunt**

**Same Evening **

To all those gathered, it was a beautiful sight, Rick and Kate locked in a hug so tight, it would take a truck to separate them. The small nuzzle of each other's nose as they whispered into each other's ear, and the look, the look of love in Rick's eye and Kate was glowing like few had seen her before. Kate's presence was a surprise to everyone but Lanie, who had managed to contact her and talk her into coming.

She had been very reluctant until she heard that Rick had been back in New York for almost a year, and single for that long, actually he had never married, so single much longer than that. She thought she would have seen something on the entertainment pages, but he preferred the low profile. Kate almost cried when Lanie told her he had been staying between the house in the Hamptons, Four Seasons, and had traveled with Alexis and her husband and his Grandson for almost two months, a belated wedding gift from him, he was tied up in legal affairs and could barely make the wedding ceremony.

They stood hugging each other until Lanie finally said,

"You two will have plenty of time for that now that we got you in the same room with your heads out of your asses, right now, people want to see you both, so let go, at least for a little while."

Kate blushed, and looked into Rick's eyes,

"Remember, no more leaving each other, we talk, and Rick, I have always loved you and I always will, I'll be right here go mingle. I'm sure Lanie will make us both sorry if we don't."

"You too Babe, no more leaving, either of us, we have so much to talk about, and Kate, YES, I still love you and I always will, don't go too far away, OK?"

"I promise" she kissed him deeply and for a few moments the entire universe was paused, or so it seemed to Rick ad Kate, a kiss that was years in the making, but healing years of misunderstandings at the same time.

They were polite but somehow worked the crowd to come to them, while the stood holding hands, or her hand places firmly on his leg as they sat in their booth, no one was going to separate them, not tonight or if they had their way ever.

Time flew by, and Brian called cabs for some of the guests, (Kevin, proved his Irish heritage) and the remainder left around midnight, all promising that this would not be the last get together. As Roz went to kiss Rick goodbye, Kate whispered something in her ear, she smiled, nodded, and then the kiss was a chaste and brief kiss on the lips. Ann Hastings took her cue with just a look from Kate and followed the same behavior, no tongue this time.

Rick looked over at Kate, who had the cat earing the canary look on her face, not volunteering any information,

"OK, Kate, we both know that look, what did you tell Roz?"

"What do you mean Rick, I mean I*"

She saw Rick's look and she wasn't about to start this part of their time with a lie, no more of those they cost her far too much.

"OK, I told her I spotted the tongue she and Ann slipped you when they arrived, and that I was still qualified with my service weapon if she tried it again." She looked to the floor sheepishly,

Rick laughed, "so Katherine Beckett is jealous, it all comes out now, you always*"

He didn't get to finish his statement, Kate had him in a kiss and displayed her own tongue gymnastics, much to Rick's delight. His moaning into her mouth inspired her to go even farther until finally it was a breath or pass out and they both broke apart with a gasp for much-needed oxygen.

"Of course, I'm jealous, I always was, I was just too stupid to tell you how I felt, until well" a tear comes to her eye

"Hey, Hey, we're here, together, so what do you say we head to someplace more private? I know there's so much I need to learn about you, Counselor, by the way, Congratulations, that's a hell of a feat."

"Thanks, Rick, but, well, let's get out of here. You're right there's so much we do need to talk about, I mean if you want what I want, and what I think you want. No more subtext, no more subtle hints, so I'm just going to come out and say this. Rick, I want you to be I my life, I don't care of the title, Fiancé, wife, girlfriend, I really don't care as long as we're together, that's all I want, all I have wanted since I met you."

"Kate, I love the new you, so open and direct, but I also know that it's been almost six years, and one marriage for one of us that we need to discuss, don't get me wrong, I want you in my life, but I want to start it off right this time."

"You're right, but can we get out of here, I mean we can talk and kiss can't we, I mean I still don't believe we're actually here together without having someone else in the equation. I want this to start right as well, so let's go talk."

Xx

They had the limo stop at Remy's to pick up an order Rick had called in right before they left the Haunt, then went to the Four Seasons, where Kate was also staying.

"I didn't know you were staying in a hotel Kate, I'm sorry I should have asked before just assuming to come back here. I know you heard I sold the Loft and the building, it's just down to the Hamptons, and the Haunt, and I know how badly Brian wants it, so I think I will be selling it to him, he gets his dream and the place goes to a good new owner."

"Actually, I own a home in a small town in Jericho, about an hour from here, I had to get away after, well when everything changed for us."

"You're kidding right, Jericho? What Street? "he asked

"I live on Del Mar, it's off, "

"Lark Bunting Drive, right? "

"Yes, but how did you know that I mean I've been there three years but haven't made many friends."

"You know that big home on the corner, the one that has the Olympic Pool,"

"You have to be kidding me, Rick, that place has been on the market for quite a while now, everyone said it was beautiful but far overpriced. She looked at him then realized, overpriced for normal people, not Rick.

"When did you buy it, and when are you moving in, I mean it's already vacant."

"Actually, I closed today, and my decorator will be there first thing tomorrow to start the renovations," he laughed, then the silence reminded them both, there was a divide that had to be crossed, time gaps filled in, and stories of their lives shared.

"So, I guess we have a lot of talking to do, no matter how badly I want you right now, I don't want to fall back into assuming I know what you mean, I guess we both need to lay it out on the line"

"You're right, I'm glad that it's not just me, I mean, wanting to take this to the level we should have years ago, but I know, I agree you need to know what you're letting your heart back into, and I need to know have you forgiven me, truly for all my mistakes, some you may not know about, yet."

"You mean your marriage and annulment?" Rick asked, and Kate gasped,

"How did, I mean yes that's one thing we need to talk about, another is your time with Beth, what went wrong, I mean I don't want to know the details of your sex life, but I do want to know what I can avoid doing that would hurt you, us, the relationship I want with you so badly."

"OK, once we eat, then let's get comfortable and start from the beginning, and one thing Kate, I'm sorry I even have to mention this, but*"

"Rick, I know what my lies cost me, us, and believe me, everything I say will be the truth, as much or as well as I remember it, I promise. Call me out if you want clarification, or more details, please, it's the only way this is going to work."

Rick looked down for a few minutes, then smiled when Kate brought his food to him, "Here the sooner we eat, the sooner we talk and get back to where we both belong," she leaned in to kiss his cheek, but he turned, and the kiss was hard for either to break, finally she pulled away.

"Let's be sure we do this right, OK? I don't want one or a few nights of pleasure to cost me the rest of my life with you, we need to be on the same page, Rick."

Xx

They had settled into nervous conversation all during the meal, now the food was gone, and it was time to address the 500-pound elephant in the room.

"OK Rick, where do you want to start, I know it's I that need to explain, or ask forgiveness more often than you so, do you want to start off, or shall I"

"Well since it was I who violated your trust first, let's start back after when we first met, and you were correct, I was after sex with the hot Detective, I'm glad you turned me down then. Then came the case when we worked with your ex-boyfriend Sorenson, and I have to tell you that was tough."

"What was tough Rick, seeing him trying to kiss me, but you missed the part where I turned head and he only kissed my cheek, I know it's not what it looked like to you, but that's what happened.

"Then when he was shot because of us looking into the witness, I felt a sense of guilt, more than love, I was still hurt at him since he abandoned me. Oh yeah, you don't know about that, how could you, we were together for almost six months, it was getting serious, well I thought it was.

"One day he came home and told me that we were leaving for Boston in a week. He didn't ask me, he didn't consult me when he was going for the job, he had his decision made and I was an afterthought.

"I went to see him, first to be sure he was really all right, and secondly to see if I could sit and talk to him without feeling any of the old feelings, and I knew I made the right decision when he left. I knew he would never be my one and done, and that it was a relationship out of convenience more than affection."

"That's the first time I imposed my will on you, and I know I have apologized over and over, I often think what would have happened to us, had I not been so stupid and stubborn, trying to help you when all you really wanted to do was try to live with the tragedy each day.

"Perhaps we could have grown closer, or at least you wouldn't have hated me so much for bringing such an awful memory back to the front of your memory. I know now, that that certainly made a difference in the way we both looked at each other, and perhaps even cemented the fact that you didn't want to be with another Sorenson, one who just acted on his own desires, regardless of the motive."

"Rick, honestly I didn't hate you, I was afraid to go back to the investigation, so it was easy to blame you for making me do it, my typical response, transference as Doctor Burke labeled it. I have the habit of transferring blame, guilt, or reasons for poor behavior on others, I'm still working on it, even all these years later.

"I have to tell you, it was the most sincere apology I had given in my life, and even with it, I thought it was over, that I had crossed a line that I could never be forgiven for, violating your trust, to me a form of lying which is one thing I can't tolerate, no matter how much love there is."

"I was so close to letting you walk away when I realized how sincere you had been, that it wasn't an act and only people who care about you take the time to apologize in such a sincere fashion. I knew you were confused with Will's actions, and I did little if any to correct your assumptions. I had a feeling for you even then Rick, more than I would admit to anyone, even myself.

"Will knew, he knew how close I felt to you when I read my Mon's book collection right after her murder, how I stood in line as a Rookie to get you to sign a copy of Storm, and how no matter how upset I was, I found solace in your books. He wasn't jealous when we were together, but that's the reason he gave you such a hard time when we worked the Candela case, he knew before I did."

"Then why did you put on the 'I hate You Castle' attitude for so long, seriously, I worked so hard to earn your respect, something I never had to do with anyone since Kyra. I was hoping that you would, not fall for the celebrity, but see me for me, I know we had moments but it seemed they always got erased so quickly and I was back to When can I shoot him, Castle."

"For the first few years, well until my therapist Doctor Burke called me out on it, I had convinced myself I was afraid of getting hurt, like when my Mom was taken from me, but he actually stopped a session and called 'Bull Shit' what's the real reason Kate', I thought and it was because in my eyes you were so much better off without me. I mean, I know I had feelings for you by then, but honestly, I was afraid you would reject me, that was the hurt I was fearful of, not losing someone." She lowered her head, and tears appeared in her eyes,

"Well, thanks I knew that was a tough answer to give, I'm sorry you're upset, I really am, but I was so hopeful, I mean we were bantering back and forth one day, and then, *"

"And then you were getting ready to dump the Heat Novels to go to London and write that certain British Secret Agent, that no one could mention his name. When I read the dedication to Heatwave Rick, I thought maybe, just maybe he feels something for me and was beginning to let myself go. When that news came about the other book, and again when the email came from Roy that you weren't coming back, the next day after I texted you trying to get you to talk, it hurt, it more than hurt. I was destroyed. The only other time I had hurt so badly was the summer when you took Gina to the Hamptons,"

Rick's face lit up, was it anger, was it sadness, as he spoke, Kate heard both,

"You mean the summer you lied about having to work, all along planning a trip with Tom, after treating me like crap for weeks, replacing me with him in the interrogations? Was that the summer Kate? If it was the joke is on us both, Gina never went to the Hamptons I took her home, she drove out for the weekend and picked up the work I had gotten done then returned to the city."

Kate's face now dropped and turned red, "I'm so sorry Rick, I really am, I never should have lied, hell I never should have taken up with Tom in the first place, but lying to you was the worst mistake I made, please forgive me. If Gina didn't spend that summer with you, why did it appear as if you two were together again when you came back?"

"You really have to ask that Kate? You know I love Gina, and she loves me, enough to protect each other, she didn't want you to think that I was a disposable friend, one you could use and throw away without anyone wanting me. Perhaps it was her trying you to see what everyone but us did, we loved each other, but were too stubborn or stupid or both to sit down and tell each other.

"The lies compounded it immensely, I won't pretend they didn't. It got to a point where I didn't know what I could trust coming from you, that's why Gina took over as Alexis guardian in all the legal documents, I couldn't trust anything you said, I'm sorry, so blunt but true, especially when Ryan almost shot me when I came back and everyone acted like I was the asshole that hurt you."

Kate was visibly shaken, Rick wasn't much better,

"Kate, you're tired, take this room, I have the other room and get some rest. I'm not running, but I think we both need to take some time and think, reflect and try to recall what really happened if we're going, to be honest, I'll see you tomorrow," and he was across the hall, and his door sliding shut before Kate could hardly fathom what just happened,"

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**You're right, I'm glad that it's not just me, I mean, wanting to take this to the level we should have years ago, but I know, I agree you need to know what you're letting your heart back into, and I need to know have you forgiven me, truly for all my mistakes, some you may not know about, yet."**_

"_**You mean your marriage and annulment?" Rick asked, and Kate gasped, **_

"_**How did, I mean yes that's one thing we need to talk about, another is your time with Beth, what went wrong, I mean I don't want to know the details of your sex life, but I do want to know what I can avoid doing that would hurt you, us, the relationship I want with you so badly."**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 2**

**Four Seasons Hotel**

**Rick's Suite,**

**Later Same Evening **

Rick tossed and turned, even though he had fallen asleep he was never really into the deep sleep, but remained in the REM (Repetitive Eye Pattern) stage, with his memories sometimes almost overwhelming him with both good and some very awful memories. He thrashed around on the bed, tried several methods to get to the deep sleep pattern he so desperately wanted and needed without success.

He had told Kate he needed time, but time for what, to think about things neither could go back and undo? He thought for a long while and the vision of him standing there apologizing to her, then turning to walk away for what he truly believed was the last time, when he heard those words, "Castle, See you tomorrow". She had forgiven him, he had to get to the point of forgiveness of EVERYTHING, even events he wasn't aware of if they stood a chance in hell of surviving the next day, much less build a permanent relationship.

As he slid out of bed, he grabbed a robe and headed to the living room of the suite and noticed the door was not completely closed. He walked over to inspect why, and it had the security lock turned over to prevent the door from closing, but why? He repositioned the security lock and was just about to close the door when he heard,

"Rick, please don't shut the door, I don't have a key." He opened the door to find Kate pulling a suitcase behind her from the elevator bay, to the penthouse.

"Where did you go, and why did you have to go now Kate?"

"Rick, you have your change of clothes here, all my luggage is in my room, and I wanted to have clean clothes for later when, well I was hoping we could have breakfast and continue our talk if you've forgiven me by then"

"So, you didn't leave, you just went to get your clothes?" he asked still puzzled,

"Rick, I told you, I'm done with running, no I didn't leave and I won't until you tell me you don't love me as much as I love you and there is no hope for us having the relationship, we should have had years ago.

A sense of relief washed over him, as he looked at Beckett, looking more like a scared school girl than some terrifying counselor on the other side of the table in a courtroom.

"How long have you been up Rick, I couldn't sleep, so I wrote in my journal until I realized, all my clothes and essentials were in my room two floors down. I knew I needed a key to get the elevator back to this floor so I called the front desk, they agreed to meet me by the elevator bay, hold the elevator till I returned and then proceed back to this floor, but they would not use their keys to enter your suite.

"I'm sorry turning the security latch was the only way I could be sure the door wouldn't close completely and leave me out in the hall. I didn't want to disturb you, after last evening I know the hurt was coming back to you all over again, and I needed to give you the space you asked for, I'm sorry if I woke you."

"You didn't wake me, I never fell asleep, I kept thinking back to the day I went to apologize to you at the precinct, and as I turned to leave, I really believed it was the last time I would ever see you. You surprised me when you yelled out see you tomorrow, and I can't tell you how relieved I was."

"I was pretty pissed at you, well at the entire situation, but more at you for doing something I asked you not to do, I'm glad you did it now, but then, God I was so angry. I almost let you walk away, but then I looked at your chair, that ugly beat-up old chair, and it was empty like it would be every day if I let you walk away so I had to forgive you, I couldn't bear not seeing you.

"I know, I know I acted as if I hated you, that was so wrong, and I am so sorry but Rick, I have paid the price for that, the many nights I thought about you and Beth lying in bed together, a bed that should have been ours, so please don't think your time away didn't hurt me more than anything, and I did say anything in this world, including losing Mom."

Rick was shocked to hear the openness in her voice, and the admittance of her wrongdoing, not even hinting at anyone else to blame, quite the change from the Detective he had to walk away from four years earlier.

She shed a few silent tears, then looked up and regained her composure,

"You know I read every Bond book, and even the Heat series Rick, I loved them all, except I cried, all through the last two books you wrote about us, especially Exploding Heat. I picked up on the little nuisances that were so much our lives, and it hurt to see how I treated someone I loved that way."

"You said once a lot of what I write is my overactive imagination, that's what most of the books were, so don't put too much stock on the events in the book to what we experienced, a lot of literary licenses was taken to make the story flow." He said, trying to deflect her attention to the details they both knew were of Rick and Kate, not Rook and Heat.

"I cried when I started reading the last novel, first you had Rook leaving and Heat off on a vacation with Scheming, Rick, that wasn't your overactive imagination, that was you and I and my attempt to make you jealous with Deming. It failed, miserably and I hurt three people, you, Tom and lastly myself for being so juvenile.

"I had a lot of free time during the three-week suspension, so I used the gift you had given me the previous Christmas, the travel voucher and I went to the Bahamas by myself to get away. I finally understood what you meant when you had the need to get away from everything.

"I know you thought I had used the voucher for the trip with Josh, I let you believe that which was hurtful and I'm sorry. Lannie told me you thought you were paying for us to go shack up for a week, not quite but well you don't want to hear about him, not now anyway."

Rick's face turned ashen, he took a few deep breaths and then asked in a polite yet firm tone,

"If you knew it would hurt me Kate, WHY, did you allow me to think that? Did you take pleasure out of my hurt? Did it make you feel more like a courageous woman, or secure your relationship with your part-time doctor boyfriend?

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding how anyone with even an ounce of feeling can allow, or perpetuate actions that would cause anyone to hurt? Not even considering at that time I considered myself your partner? I know for a fact, you never treated anyone else that way. Not Sorenson, Not Royce, Not Deming, and certainly not the all-powerful and mighty Doctor Motorcycle Boy. WHY? Why was I the whipping boy Kate?"

Tears fall from her eyes, as she struggled to comprehend his words, she had heard something similar form Doctor Burke, but it was much more hurtful coming from the man she loved.

"Rick, please believe me, for a long time the answer was I don't know until Dr. Burke called me out on that BS answer. His words were 'you know Kate, whether or not you have the courage to admit it, but we both know you know the reason why you treated Mr. Castle the way you did'. After I admitted it to myself, he was right.

"It's stupid, but this is the truth, you were the only one in my life that cared enough to keep coming back, and you were getting closer to breaching those walls I had erected around my heart. It scared the hell out of me, what if you got to my heart, I knew I loved you, even as weird as that may sound to you, but if I let go, If I let you in? I would hurt as bad or worse when you went away, and Rick, every man in my life had left, all except Dad.

"It was you, Rick, it was always you no matter how hard I tried to fool you, others and myself, I know now just how fucked up that was on my end, I can only imagine what you're thinking."

Rick was quiet for a long while, then he said in a very soft tone,

"It doesn't take the hurtful memories away, but I can understand, at least see some reasoning behind your actions. It doesn't mean I forgive them, but I do understand where you were coming from better now, Thank You for being honest about that."

"Well, remember when you wanted to buy me everything from my own apartment to a pony before I forgave you for looking into my mother's case? I thought with your Birthday, I could make a Castle statement, the bigger the present, the more you would understand the more I loved you, and for that, I'm sorry as well.

"I know how awkward it was for you with the book, I'm not sure if it was Gina or Alexis but I would bet one of them made you answer my last voice mail, it's OK Rick, you were hurt, and now I had just dropped something on you that you had worshiped as a kid. I thought I was doing a good thing, you took it as I was trying to buy your forgiveness, instead of showing you love, the only way I could then."

"Well, I'm sorry as well that I slipped behind your back to start your Mom's scholarship fund, but after I talked to your Dad, I knew it was the right thing to do. He actually told me that I shouldn't take things so personally, that you always did things your own way, or I think he put it _"She's a Rebel, just like her Grandfather, hard to tame, but well worth it once you two get your act together. _

"_She loves you Son, you don't see it, but as a Dad, you know we see things without ever hearing a word, and I know she's head over heels in love with you. If I'm any judge of character, which I am, I know you love her too. The question for you is how much? Enough to forgive her for all the hurt, and believe me, she owns all that, but do you love her enough to forgive and start a life that would make you both happy, or are you as stubborn as she is, willing to give up a life of love for who was right or wrong?"_

"My Dad said all that? It's a miracle if any of my dates ever got past the death glare, or a good evening from him, he hated Josh, more than any of the previous ones. I think he knew he was cheating on me, and couldn't bring himself to tell me, a struggle he held in and hurt him, just as I hurt you."

"Well he was pretty direct with me, it surprised me since I barely knew him and I was not involved with his daughter, well in an official capacity anyway. He didn't spare the words or his emotions, nor did he try to defend your innocence which made me respect him even more. So, was that when you decided Kate?"

"Decided what Rick? You had gone to England with Gina, and for all, I knew you weren't coming back anytime soon, I did a lot of things to avoid going to places we did. I joined the gym, I started back with yoga, and running in earnest."

"You know what I mean Kate, is that when you decided to go back to law school, and pick up **YOUR** life, the one you deserted on your quest for justice for your Mother?"

"Yes, I thought that if you never came back, I could still have one part of my dream, my law degree even if I never practiced a day in my life. I always wanted a marriage like my parents, a husband who loved me the way Dad loved Mom and when I realized I had just thrown him away I had to do something to occupy the long, lonely hours. I only got snippets of information, but from everything here, you and Beth were beginning a beautiful relationship, one I had no business or desire to come between"

"Yeah, well I heard all about the **_Show me Your Boob_** case when you saved Esposito's ass, I guess he had drug Ryan along acting all macho, so you see, no matter if I asked or not, I heard about Kate, the precinct, and the good old days. I know that case embarrassed you, but I laughed when I remembered Royce's stories he shared when he was in the precinct that day."

"I can guess how you found out about that, Lanie to Alexis, to you, I bet that was a big hoot to you" she blushed, more embarrassed than proud of saving her boys' lives.

"Kate, I heard it from your Dad, I guess he found out from Lanie, but you know it's better to be embarrassed for a few weeks than to lose your two friends, and to me that just proved what a dedicated cop, and friend you really were"

"My Dad? Really, I didn't know that he knew, I'm going to kill Lanie" her embarrassment grew as her face got even redder,

Rick smiled, until Kate looked up, and said shyly,

"I started running past the Loft just in hopes that I could see you and when I did, I wish I hadn't. You were kissing Gina goodbye, and holding Alexis, but Beth, God she looked like she worshiped the ground you walked on, I knew then that you were in a real relationship, one that didn't leave me with any chances left.

"You looked at her the way you used to look at me, or maybe that was in my head, but I hurt so badly, I cried for a week. I know I had no claim, thanks to my own behavior but seeing you with her really hit it home I had lost you."

Rick looked very uncomfortable, but to his credit, if Kate were being this honest so would he.

"Kate, I tried to forget you, I tried so hard, I even warned Beth that it would take time, but well she was willing to settle for what I had left of my heart. She knew I loved you, hell she knew how deeply far before I ever did, and Kate, she never said a bad word about you. She wanted me to be happy, and for a while, I had convinced myself I was, I was over you."

Kate's tears fall freely now, but she weeps as silently as she can, still intent on every word he had to say.

Rick looked out of the window, not sure if the answers were there to be found, but he finally whispered,

"Yeah, I thought I had it all covered, then came the Awards Ceremony from Bob and I saw you again, I knew I wasn't over you, what was more hurtful was so did Beth, she never said a word, but she knew. I saw the hurt and I have never felt worse in my life, even though nothing was ever declared I knew, and so did she. Gina had warned her, you were my kryptonite, and I guess she was right, as she always was.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**Well, I'm sorry as well that I slipped behind your back to start your Mom's scholarship fund, but after I talked to your Dad, I knew it was the right thing to do. He actually told me that I shouldn't take things so personally, that you always did things your own way, or I think he put it "She's a Rebel, just like her Grandfather, hard to tame, but well worth it once you two get your act together. **_

"_**She loves you Son, you don't see it, but as a Dad, you know we see things without ever hearing a word, and I know she's head over heels in love with you. If I'm any judge of character, which I am, I know you love her too. The question for you is how much? Enough to forgive her for all the hurt, and believe me, she owns all that, but do you love her enough to forgive and start a life that would make you both happy, or are you as stubborn as she is, willing to give up a life of love for who was right or wrong?"**_

"_**My Dad said all that? It's a miracle if any of my dates ever got past the death glare, or a good evening from him, he hated Josh, more than any of the previous ones. I think he knew he was cheating on me, and couldn't bring himself to tell me, a struggle he held in and hurt him, just as I hurt you."**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 3**

**Four Seasons Hotel**

**Rick's Suite,**

**Day Break, Next Day **

Kate looked up, and saw the sun shining through the curtains,

"Rick, do you realize it's sunrise, the sun is coming up, have we talked all night?"

Rick glanced at the curtain, then asked, "Do you want to stop, or should I order a large pot of coffee?"

She smiled timidly, "Coffee if we can keep talking, Rick, I've missed this so much, even if somethings are hard to hear, at least we're communicating, no subtext, no reading between the lines."

Rick smiled, "I've missed this, I've missed you Kate, but we need to talk things out, before, well before we take the next step" as he ordered room service.

Kate went and freshened up, she always brushed her teeth by now, and she was so afraid of morning breath. She heard Rick gargling from across the room, she smiled to herself, at least I'm not the only one.

Settling back down with a fresh cup of coffee, and feeling better after the break, Rick asked,

"Where were we?"

"You had tried to forget me, then the Awards ceremony came, and I sort of pushed a talk."

Rick blushed when he heard Kate repeat the words, get over her, it still hurt, but they needed to hear it all, no sugar coating.

"I'm sorry Kate, but honesty in everything we say, I didn't say that to hurt you"

"Rick, I know that, and as hard as it is to hear, the words that hurt me the most are my own thrown back at me, I was so cruel, "

"Not cruel, well not on purpose, you were trying to keep me from getting too close, as I said I understand the why, it still hurts and the actions are still hard to forgive but understanding the motives help a lot."

"Do you remember our walk and talk Rick? I mean I have replayed almost every word since you've been gone. I'm sorry first I implied that you and Gina were back together, then I said you and Beth were an item, but to my defense, Beth loved you back then Rick, really loved you. I think I watched her devotion to you, and thought, it was all over for me."

"Well you had jumped to conclusions about just about everything else, and I was fully aware of Beth's feelings, one more of my tortured internal debates. You said you loved me during that walk, I was taken back and confused, I knew without a doubt that Beth did, but your confession threw me. I kept asking the same question how could you and hurt me over and over.

"Then you admitted being in therapy, you seemed surprised to find I had been also, and then worried were you the impetus, it was before you, just when, it doesn't matter, that's not material to what we're talking about." He looked down, almost like he wanted it to stay private

"Rick, it is, but I respect your privacy, you can tell me or hold it in, I won't push, but I'm here for you just as you have been for me, God, you'll never know how many times I played what you said over and over in my head when things got tough.

"You admitted to me for the first time that night that this man I had so high, so much better than I could ever hope for was just a man, with cracks, and faults like us all. You admitted 'I used humor often to deflect hurt, not being good enough, Hell three relationships, three in the dumper, so what's the common denominator, me.

"That's why no matter how many bestsellers, how much money, how many people want to be around me, is if for me, or for what I can give them. Esposito and Ryan were never my friends, they were yours, they tolerated me because of Knicks tickets, weekends with the Ferrari, and free booze at the Haunt, to say they are my friends, No I really can't.' Kate had quoted him word for word,

"You remembered it word for word Kate?" he asked,

She bowed her head, "Rick, I've had four years of nightly reruns to rehearse that talk, the one I thought was the last time, the last time I would have a chance to speak to you.

"You also told me that I said a lot of things, many you knew I didn't mean, but after a while, they wore on your confidence, like when I always said, what would a world-famous author see in a cop, yet you felt inferior, and those words just made you feel even less of a man.

"Finally, when you got hurt, and yes Josh was the turning point you stood up to me, to everyone, knowing then that all hopes of ever keeping our friendship, much less anything more. It didn't matter then, and frankly, it hasn't changed today.

'Then you challenged me when I told you I loved you, I almost passed out when I heard your words, '

"You say you love me, yet not much has changed, you're still chasing the man who hired your Mom's killer, and that's fine, I knew that when I met you. I thought somehow, someway I could work over, under or around those walls to reach your heart. When I failed for my last time, you chose Josh over me, knowing that you loved me, but you were afraid of not having your Mom's case as your number one priority."

Rick was looking down, out the window, anywhere but near her, the pain of the words still fresh even after all this time, I'm sorry Kate, I didn't mean to be so rough, but*"

"You were hurt, and hurt badly Rick, I could never stop hearing your voice in my dreams repeating; 'I've had my heart broken before, I've been cheated on, lied to, but I never have been made to feel less than what I know I am, a man with my own unique qualities. I don't need a badge, a gun, a scalpel, I make a difference in my own way. You not only stabbed me, but you also twisted it so I could feel the full effect every chance you or your boys got.' This time the tears did indeed start falling, as always Rick handed her his handkerchief without saying a word,

He waited a few minutes, allowing her to catch her breath and the tears subside for a few moments,

"Do you remember what else you asked me that day Kate?"

"I asked if you could finally forgive me, the last time we spoke you said you couldn't let go of that hurt yet, and you replied, "I lied Kate, I had already forgiven you, but I guess I wanted you to feel some of the pain I had felt, and for that I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

Then I promised you I loved you, more than anyone, anything in this world, and wanted a chance to prove it, but you and I both knew I was too late.

We had reached Remy's then and you let me know that nothing was going on with you and Beth, but also that you weren't ready for any relationship with anyone, Then, well"

"Yeah then it happened Kate, the day we all wish we could have gone back in time and changed the script, Roy made a wrong right, the only way he knew how. He was a cop's cop and he cared about us all,"

Kate sat there she seemed to be too far away from Rick, she needed to touch him, the time and distance she had endured were catching up with her, if only for a moment, even if he rejected her, so she took the bold step of stepping over and sitting in his lap, laying her head on his chest and openly weeping.

To her surprise, he gently pulled her into him closely and began kissing her head and forehead, whispering, "Babe, it's OK, we'll get through this, I promise, I'm here, not going anywhere, as she held him tighter and wept.

"Rick there were so many things I wanted, I needed to say to you, but it seemed like there was always someone around, I thought I would have time after the service for Roy, but well," her voice cracks again, tears fall silently on Rick's shirt, as he pulled her closer and even tighter,

"Shh, Shh, I know Babe, I know, don't go back there, please I mean I don't know if I could take it again, "his voice cried out somewhere between a cry and moan.

She looked up to see the tears in the corner of his eyes, realizing for perhaps the first time, how much he had hurt when she hurt, his arms held her tightly just as they did, that day. God that day, he said those words, the words that kept her from crossing over, she was so tired. She remembered seeing her Mom, Roy, even Royce, but even that pull wasn't enough to make her let go of those three words he just said, 'Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate.'

He didn't know what those words had and still mean to her, it was her strength when she thought she couldn't take one more step in therapy, when the PTSD got so bad she spent more time under tables than sitting at one, and the long lonely nights she spent pursuing her second love, yes she could now admit she loved him more than anyone or anything in the world.

She looked into his eyes, thinking about how much his love had already changed her life, but she had to know for sure, "Did you mean it, Rick, I mean the words you said as you held me when I was shot, did you really mean them? I know a lot of people say things when they think someone is dying, to ease the transition, but were you telling me the truth? It's OK if you didn't*"

He answered her with a passionate kiss filled with all the love he could find in his heart, "Of course I meant it, Kate, I love you, I've always loved you and I always will" he held her as he would the most precious cargo, and kissed her head, then her lips then her eyes.

"Well, can I tell you something about that day, if it's too upsetting, I'll just keep it inside, but I think you need to hear this, for you for me, for us. Should I continue Rick?"

He wiped his eyes quickly and then just nodded, "If you think I need to know it, please tell me, I trust you," his words washing over her like a healing balm, he trusted her.

"Babe, I know you said I love You, Kate, before that, I think you said Kate, shh… Kate. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?"

He nodded, holding just a bit tighter,

"Well, I was so tired Rick, so very tired, I thought about giving up, then I heard those words, and I fought my way back, back to you. One time I saw my Mother, Roy, and Mike Royce all standing with open arms waiting for me to walk towards them, then I heard those three words again, I love you, and I had to come back to you Rick, I loved you so much and never told you." By the time she was finished, both of their eyes were filled with tears, a few stray ones dripping from Rick's eyes.

"You actually saw your Mom, Roy, and Royce and fought to come back to me?" he was thinking it had to be the time she coded in the ambulance, she was so close to death.

"I did Rick, I had to tell you, I've loved you for years, since the Candela case when you thought it was Will I was working my way to, it was you, it's always been you. I know I messed it up, but we're here, I want to do it right, no more running, no more lies." She kissed his lips gently, noticing the fear on his face, "I made it back Babe, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere" then another kiss, as she felt his body begin to relax a little.

"I was so afraid Kate, so afraid I would never see you, and the last thing we had said to each other were words of anger, I hated myself, I hated the world, and I hated the bastards who killed Roy and tried to kill you. I wasn't much use I mean I did"

"Rick, eh, no lies remember, that goes for you as well, we both know it was the direct pressure, and your soothing voice is the reason I'm still here. I know I ruined your good suit, and hell the cost of that handkerchief was more than my dress blues," she tried to laugh through her tears,

"Well, I didn't get to you in time, I mean I tried, I really did. I wasn't trying to get shot, hell you would have shot me yourself if I had for all of the paperwork you would have had to do, (a small smile), but I couldn't stand by and watch the love of my life perish in front of me, I would die for you Kate Beckett, I love you that much." He looked into her eyes, and she immediately got lost in those deep blue orbits,

Her tears fell gently, he wiped them away, then kissed each eye, and said so sweetly,

"No need for tears Babe, we have the rest of our lives, we both have a lot of making up for lost time to do"

He held her and gently swayed to a song no one could hear but the two of them even if it were only in their minds. He didn't know how long they had remained quiet, but it felt so good to be holding her, he didn't want to wake up if it were only a dream. Finally, a small tiny voice was heard,

"Rick, please tell me this is real, I don't want to ever wake if it's only a dream." He squeezed her gently,

"Not a dream Babe, I was worried too, but we're really here, really talking and Kate, I think we've talked enough for our first night, I want to*"

She had already led him to the bedroom and had begun taking her top off, as her nude shoulder was now visible, Rick knew he couldn't stop, some times you just have to show her how much you love her,

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**Well, I'm sorry as well that I slipped behind your back to start your Mom's scholarship fund, but after I talked to your Dad, I knew it was the right thing to do. He actually told me that I shouldn't take things so personally, that you always did things your own way, or I think he put it "She's a Rebel, just like her Grandfather, hard to tame, but well worth it once you two get your act together. **_

"_**She loves you Son, you don't see it, but as a Dad, you know we see things without ever hearing a word, and I know she's head over heels in love with you. If I'm any judge of character, which I am, I know you love her too. The question for you is how much? Enough to forgive her for all the hurt, and believe me, she owns all that, but do you love her enough to forgive and start a life that would make you both happy, or are you as stubborn as she is, willing to give up a life of love for who was right or wrong?"**_

"_**My Dad said all that? It's a miracle if any of my dates ever got past the death glare, or a good evening from him, he hated Josh, more than any of the previous ones. I think he knew he was cheating on me, and couldn't bring himself to tell me, a struggle he held in and hurt him, just as I hurt you."**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 4**

**Four Seasons Hotel**

**Rick's Suite,**

**Day Break, Next Day Cont'd.**

Rick went to the door, flipped the Do Not Disturb sign on from the inside, which also prevented the maid's key from being able to access the room. They had waited this long; he would be damned if he let anyone or anything mess it up. When he returned to the bedroom, Kate was standing, waiting for him in the same state as when he left. He enjoyed undressing her first with his eyes, how many times had he done that before, then slowly they undressed each other.

"Rick, please be gentle, I don't remember the last time I was intimate with anyone, I was holding out for you. It took me a while but I finally got my head together, and now I want you, all of you slowly and all day long." She nibbled his ear as they made their way onto the mattress, Rick clearing the covers to the floor with one swoop of his hand.

"I will Babe, I will let me make love to you, I don't know how many times I have done it in my mind but I promise you, I will be slow and gentle, God, you're so sexy", as he kissed the small pucker between her breasts left from the bullet wound. He gently ran his hands up and down her inner thighs, then her scar on her side, bending quickly to kiss it as well, and then back to her long beautiful legs. She was kissing him as he had never been kissed, and when his fingers caressed her thighs again, she trembled with excitement.

The first round ended too soon for both, although Rick made sure that she had seen the parade for the first time in her life, it felt like forever, and definitely was from the lover who had cherished her body for the first time. It only took a short time and both were ready for rounds two, three, and finally collapsed after round four. Each time, he made sure she felt just as much passion as he did, how he could hold back as long as he did, she would never know, and he certainly knew the spots to caress, kiss, twist gently between his fingers, and nibble on, she had never felt more spent from making love before in her life.

He pulled her close to him, she laid her head on his chest, and said, "Is this what I missed all these years by being a stubborn fool?"

"I take it my lady enjoyed just a bit," he kidded, not wanting her to kick herself any more than she already was doing.

"YOUR Lady loved every minute of it, God Rick, I never have been to those heights, before, I don't know how you did it, but Babe, please never stop." She giggled,

"Well, it's simple Kate, you're my first." He raised up on one elbow as he saw the what the hell are you talking about Rick look flash across her face as her eyebrows made their patented roll. "You are the first time I really Made Love to a woman, all the others were Sex, even if I thought they were love.

"I don't know about you, but I felt like you were part of me, that you had somehow entered my soul and we were peaking at the same moments, I've never done that with anyone before Kate. Now I know the difference between sex and making love, so thank you for loving me."

She didn't say a word, just kissed him and locked onto his eyes, she could get lost in those deep pools of blue and when he held her, looking into his eyes she knew everything was going to be fine.

She laid her head on his chest and listened to him breathe, quiet, gentle, even breaths till he had faded out into dreams, hopefully about her. She closed her eyes, her right hand on his chest, her left under her cheek as she faded into a peaceful easy sleep, one she hadn't had in years.

It was hours later before either awoke and remembered the few hours before, Rick was ready for another round but she suggested a hot soak, parts of her she didn't remember she had, ached that good lovemaking hurt, but she didn't want to overdo it their first session.

"Rick, can we continue our talk in the hot tub, I would love to be held by you when we talk, it makes even the tough memories easier to talk about. I mean, it's OK if you don't*"

She smiled as he opened the door to the extra-large jacuzzi tub, with the water already hot and the gentle settings on the jets,

He stepped in, then held his hand out to assist her into the tub, she turned to face him before sitting and started a small kiss that turned into one that was only broken for lack of air, God that man could kiss. He knew just what she loved, where, when, and how much as she sat between his legs, her back against hers. She leaned back into him and laid head into his neck, perfectly content and happy.

He massaged her gently and was careful with the zones he knew that would trigger her passion once again, his fingers kneading out the tension and knots she had long forgotten she had. He worshiped her body with his hands, never coming near the pulse of passion, but making her feel like it was her, only her that he was thinking of.

"Babe, I love what you're doing, God those fingers of yours, it feels so good to be held in your arms, better than I even dreamed it would." She hadn't meant to say that aloud, but from the smile on his face, he knew it anyway.

"I know, no matter what scenario I wrote, it could never compare to the last few hours, I love you, Kate, I know you love me, but Babe,"

"I know Rick, we've only begun talking, I'm not going anywhere, well now that I have more than one change of clothes, and I know this is important to us both. If we failed for any reason in the past, it was because we never talked about the things that mattered, that was my fault, but just ask me, Rick, I'll tell you the truth, even if it hurts, just promise you won't leave, I love you too."

"I promise, I never wanted to leave, you have to believe me, but when I thought you would be happier if I stepped aside, well, I"

"I know Babe, I know," She ended that conversation capturing his lips in a kiss, that poured out love, forgiveness, and a promise of new beginnings.

Xx

A few hours later, they had recuperated enough to grab some early dinner, yes, they had made love for over 4 hours, then the soak for another hour, followed by a shower, well three showers till they could finally leave the bathroom. When they returned to the room, Kate, produced two coffees she had delivered, with the name Castle on the cups, bringing back a memory of the first time he brought her cup. She yelled that his name was on it, and then quietly picked it out of the trash, and put it her Castle forever drawer.

"Kate, this is, eh, you put my name on the cups, I thought you told me you would shoot me if I ever did that again."

She bowed her head, "True confession Rick, I fished the cup out and washed it out, it's with every little thing you gave me in a big jewelry box, I call it my Castle Forever box, all my memories, and souvenirs you probably have forgotten about, I saved." She leaned in and kissed him, his mouth was already open so she filled it with her lips and tongue, as they took up their perch of the couch.

"Don't get me wrong Kate, I love talking to you in bed or the tub, but we will never get through all the things we need to talk about, well I know I can't keep my hands off you, I would love to see that box someday" he said still in shock that this beautiful lady had saved the trinkets he thought she had trashed, that meant nothing to her, hell, she saved them. A smile came across his face.

She smiled, "Of course, the box is in my bedroom, I'd love to show it all to you" she didn't need to explain, they both knew exactly what she was saying.

"And I would love to christen your bedroom, it will be more romantic I'm sure." He smiled and kissed her hand

"Well, that's setting the bar pretty high, but you know I would really like to try to see if we can beat this time" as she kissed him, then patted his hand, "Now we have to get back to the talk, we both need this Rick"

"You're right babe, I think we left off at, well you were in the hospital" Rick looked suddenly sad,

"Hey, I'm right here, OK, I'm fine, look at me Rick, I'm OK, let's celebrate that we have this chance even as close as we've come to destroying what to me is so beautiful, no sadness Babe, I'm here, I'm fine, you're holding me." She took his arms and wrapped around her as she leaned back into him, and felt him relax.

"I don't remember much for those three days, I know Beth had bribed one of the staff and she received updates on the hour from them, some she passed along, some she said later it was better to leave them unsaid, I guess you had a couple of rough spells, that's all she would say."

"Yeah, well, I crashed again, Lanie was visiting with my Dad and she saw the signs, and had the Code Blue team in my room before I actually went into distress. I know she can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I owe her, and you my life. That was how she got me to come to the Haunt, she shamed me, told me _**'I save your skinny ass and you can't do me one damn favor, OK, Kate Beckett, now that I know how it is'**_ Kate did a pretty good impression of Lanie. She smiled but tears were in her eyes.

"Beth told me to get to the Hospital and to expect the worse, but by the time I got there, you were back, Lanie told me it was now up to your body to recover, nothing I could do.

"She told me in no uncertain terms, "_She loves you, Rick, you don't or won't see it, sure she fucked up, but so did you, writer man, many times, get over it. She's not perfect, but you and her, well that's as close to perfect love as I have ever seen. It's too bad both your feelings of pride are too big to admit to each other you're better off with each other and work it out."_

Kate smiled, "She never gave up on me either, even when you were in England, she still bugged the hell out of me."

"Well, I was really relieved when I got her call that you had been calling for me, I mean, I was just about to send Beth back and I stay until you regained consciousness, I couldn't not be there when you woke up. Then I got the call, I think I was there in less than an hour." He smiled, as she reached back and took his hand in hers, holding on tight.

"I know the next part is going to be rough Rick, but we need to talk about it, OK Babe? Really, I'll be fine, I'm with you now, please don't hold back."

"Well, when you were shot, the boys were busy trying to find out what they could, I gathered my family and met Lanie, you and your Dad here. They wouldn't tell us anything, but finally, your Dad got called by the doctor and asked me to come with him. I asked if Lanie could come, hell it was good she did, I think I understood one out of every five words they said, but then they told me to go home and wait.

"Well, I really didn't have much choice since I wasn't family, hell I wasn't your partner according to Espo, I lost that when I went running off to England, he spat at me. If you had been healthy, I would have, well, Espo needs to have his ass handed to him a few times, but it looks like his macho-man image cost him the love of his life, damn fool." He looked off into the distance,

"Who Rick, Espo, or Us, weren't we doing the same thing, like him just not as overtly, I mean I had so many chances to tell you what you meant to me, I let every one of them get past me." Tears came to her eyes, as she took his hand and gently kissed the back, then started rubbing small circles on it so gently.

"Do you remember what you said to me when I came to the hospital, you seemed so shocked to see me," Rick asked,

"I think it was, you came, you really came, I wasn't sure what time, what day, or really anything more than I wanted, no I needed to see you to make sense out of everything going on. I really wasn't sure you would, Lanie tried to break it to me gently telling me that she wasn't sure if you had left for England, so don't get my hopes up" the tears pool a little more, as she takes a deep breath, leaning against her source of strength.

"I told you of course I came, any good partner would, I think Espo's words were still burning inside me. Then you told the lie, that you didn't remember, I knew you did, you could never lie to me. I wanted to give you a chance, to tell the truth, I didn't want to go back to England with a lie the last thing between us, I'm sorry I was so tough, you had just woken up,"

"Rick, we both know, that if you hadn't called me on that lie, things would never have turned out this way, you hate a lie more than anything, and I had a great track record of telling them to you so it was important I was honest.

"I knew in my heart, that Beth was the one who was there for you, the way I should have been. I knew when you told me that "I thought I loved you in my mind, but to check with my therapist things were really worse than I thought, you left, I wanted to tell you then, I loved you, but you left"

"If I hadn't left then I never would have Kate, I was oh so close to just cave as I had done every other time, and I knew that it would never work, not with lies between us."

"Can I ask where you went Rick, I mean you were really upset, you never usually went home till you had time to calm down," she looked up, and saw his blue eyes cloud with the tears he was fighting like hell not to let loose,

"I went to say goodbye to Roy, it was a lot harder than I thought, and I met Evelyn there. The lady just lost her husband, and she was there to comfort me, I had to make sure I talked to him one last time, even if others thought I was crazy."

"I understand Rick, I really do." She comforted him,

"Well when you were meeting him at that hangar, he called me and convinced me to come and get you out, we had an awful fight, I called him a coward, and said a lot of things I wish I hadn't but he never flinched, his one goal was to get me there to get you out," Rick said with tears in his voice,

"Rick, he knew, he knew we both would be angry, but he also knew that we loved each other and it was his way to take care of us both, he gave his life, trying to make his one big mistake right, I still love him and think of him as my hero."

"Well, I need to tell you something now Kate, it's my own lie, and all I can say is I'm sorry, but I would do it all over again, to have this time with you. If you get angry with me, I'll understand, but Babe, PLEASE, no running, not far, please promise me that?"

"Rick, you're worrying me now, Babe, I'm here, I forgive you for whatever it is that is eating at you so badly, it's not important, not anymore. I know who, and what is the most important part of my life, please Babe, just tell me, I'm not running."

"Well I know how badly you wanted to solve your Mother's case, how hard you worked, and well"

"Rick, it was solved before I got back on my feet, Jordan Shaw and her team took Bracken and the whole crew down,"

"I know, but "Kate, look I'm sorry I didn't let you have the win, but some information fell into my lap, I can't say how even to this day, but I knew if I gave it to you, it might have cost you your life, I couldn't live with that. I called Jordan, well actually I called Tom, who I think you figured out was a friend of mine from college, then talked to Jordy.

"She advised against including you, it seemed that had been conduction their own investigation, and the information I provided just gave them the proof they needed. I know I promised that someday you and I would solve it, and I let you down, so I'm so sorry about that, but I would do it again to save your life.

" I'm sorry Kate, I really am but"

"So, it was you that sent the file to Jordan, the one that I searched for years, and you sent it to her to solve," Kate's face flushed, and her fists balled,

Rick nodded, and waited, for what he didn't know but he had to tell her.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**Rick, you're worrying me now, Babe, I'm here, I forgive you for whatever it is that is eating at you so badly, it's not important, not anymore. I know who, and what is the most important part of my life, please Babe, just tell me, I'm not running."**_

"_**Well I know how badly you wanted to solve your Mother's case, how hard you worked, and well"**_

"_**Rick, it was solved before I got back on my feet, Jordan Shaw and her team took Bracken and the whole crew down,"**_

"_**I know, but "Kate, look I'm sorry I didn't let you have the win, but some information fell into my lap, I can't say how even to this day, but I knew if I gave it to you, it might have cost you your life, I couldn't live with that. I called Jordan, well actually I called Tom, who I think you figured out was a friend of mine from college, then talked to Jordy. **_

"_**She advised against including you, it seemed that had been conduction their own investigation, and the information I provided just gave them the proof they needed. I know I promised that someday you and I would solve it, and I let you down, so I'm so sorry about that, but I would do it again to save your life.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 5**

**Four Seasons Hotel**

**Rick's Suite,**

**Day Break, Next Day Cont'd.**

"So, it was you that sent the file to Jordan, the one that I searched for years, and you sent it to her to solve," Kate's face flushed, and her fists balled,

"Yes, yes it was Kate, I can tell you exactly why, but I know you are angry and hurt at me, you probably think I stole your chance to avenge your Mom. Babe, you lying in a hospital, clinging to life, your bouts with PTSD, and your career change all tell me I did the right thing, not the most popular choice, but I stand by it."

"You really mean that Rick? You truly believe what you just said?" She looked as though she was about to cry again,

"I don't want to believe the new Kate, the one I held in my arms, the one I made love to, still thinks the same as before anymore, but I've assumed before and been wrong, I'm not taking any chances this time. Like I said some words will be hard, some words will hurt, but the question you have to ask yourself, is the relationship worth more than being hurt, or, even right? Is this the sin of mine you can't forget or forgive, regardless of the why? I don't know Kate, I pray it's not, but only you can answer that,"

"Rick, I knew what happened before I left the force, Jordan in her wisdom included me in the trial portions, and appeals for Bracken and the top brass. I asked her how she had put the pieces together, her answer amazed me, she simply said,

"_Now that's a question you should ask your partner, you know the tall good looking one, sometimes pretending to be an author, he knew someone, and I can't tell you who but it was the piece we needed to put it all together. Kate, he didn't hand me the solution, as you think, he handed me information that had you acted on, would have either gotten you or one of your team killed, or compromised the good chance we had of nailing the entire gang."_

"I'm NOT the same Kate, I'm not angry, I was when it first happened then Doctor Burke brought up a good point that I never thought about, in fact, his words pierced my armor, I was done, no more fight." Kate looked down, she had separated from him, standing up when he first confessed, he didn't try to hold her, just let her go.

"Are you going to leave me here in suspense Kate, first that you aren't angry, but what did the good doctor say to take all the anger and fight out of you? You know I have to know, don't you," showing the little boy look on his face she had missed so much, her Rick was starting to come back to her, don't blow it, Kate, she thought.

"Well, he said, and not that I thought it was all that profound at the time, but it haunted me, day and night until I admitted, he was right. He looked at me and told me,

"_Kate, Mr. Castle has just put your life, your well being over his love for you, well the physical love relationship. Don't you realize that when the poets talked about dying love this was it, willing to forego his own happiness just to ensure you had closure and were safe. Kate, he knew it would get back to you, and he also knew how you would react. Anger, betrayal, and a feeling of being lied to, am I correct?"_

"I could only shake my head, yes, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew he was right; it was just one more example of your unselfishness in a relationship that I had done everything in my power to kill before it even got started. You never gave up on me, on us, did you, Rick? It's OK, I understand that's a tough question to answer, I have been alone but you were in a three relationship, and that's not fair to pry." She un-balled her hands as she wiped a tear from one eye, looking at the ground.

"Kate, I, eh, can I meet Doctor Burke? I mean this guy seems to be able to tell you the tough messages and keep your respect. He was correct, I knew that when you found out about the file, about Jordy and Tom and my previous connection, you would feel as if I betrayed you, regardless of what the evidence and proof Jordan could produce, and in many ways, I couldn't fault you.

"Lies of omission are just as heinous as those that distort the facts, I was guilty of holding information back from you. I tried to tell myself that it was too soon after Roy and your eh, the incident, that you wouldn't be angry, or that you would understand the cause of why I protect you, I love you Kate, and I almost lost you once to a bullet, I can't say I am sorry because I would do anything to keep that from ever happening again." It was Rick's turn to stare at the floor, and take a few deep breaths, he listened to the deafening sounds of silence, then turned and stared out the huge glass door, looking somewhere out into space.

The silence was almost deafening, but Rick didn't hear Kate close the space, not until she reached up and pulled his face to hers, "I love you too Rick, I'm so sorry I made you feel that you couldn't protect me and love me, I know that's the message I sent you time and time again.

"I need you; I want you; I want to be taken care of by my man Rick, I don't want to be the strong cop who can slay dragons to borrow one of Jordan's tales to her daughter. Rick, today, this minute, when we are talked out, **NO MORE LIES** from either of us, you tell me what's going on and I will you then **WE WILL DECIDE**, together, OK Babe?" As she stared into those blue eyes, filling quickly with tears as he shook his head yes, and sealed it with a kiss.

It was getting so natural, and she knew his love kisses from those of passion, God the man could kiss, Karpowski had been right, but she would kill her if she came back for seconds.

"Babe, can we get dinner then move on to what I know you want to, you need to know about, Beth?"

"Sure Rick, I think we both need a break, you know, how about we go to the Hamptons, I've always regretted that day, and well, maybe, I*

He kissed her sweetly, "Pack your suitcase, Kate, if you don't have it, we'll buy it, but I think it would be a great place to start our new beginnings,"

Kate looked at him with a smile, "Listen to the Renaissance Man, but I totally agree, new beginnings and turning pain into great memories. I love what we're doing Rick, I know it's hard, well at least for me it is, but this is something we never did, we never talked.

"We talked around, over, and through issues, but we never really opened our hearts, this has made me love you even more if that's possible" she leaned in and kissed him, then grabbed a breath and kissed him again. He looked puzzled, happy but surprised, "hey, those have to last me till we get to the Hamptons" and she laughed.

Xx

They enjoyed a meal at one of Rick's favorite Mom and Pop Italian Restaurant, CeCee's Bar and Grill, one of the many places that knew and loved him, it seemed like no matter where they would go, someone had been influenced by Rick for the good. He had the Lasagna, while she chose the sampler platter with five different dishes, all exquisite and when the meal was done, left them both totally stuffed.

Since Rick had sold the Loft, he was using his car service to transport him to and from the Hamptons, where he kept his cars, much less expensive than renting garage space in New York. On the ride up, he held her hand, kissed her sweetly, she laid her head on his shoulder soon to hear the tiny hitches in is breath a few minutes later, he had fallen asleep.

She smiled to herself, kissed him gently, retrieved her iPod, and the earbuds, she thought she would listen to some music to relax her. She was still nervous, even as well as things had gone, it was still the first time she was really communicating with the man she loved, and she was so afraid something would go wrong to destroy the great start they were off to.

She had just powered up the music when she heard it. It had become her anthem the last several years, and she knew it was going to make her cry, it always did. The moment Glen Frey sang the first few notes, she knew if any song was written looking directly into her soul this was the one. She prepared her tissues and pulled slightly away from Rick, so not to disturb him, then pressed play,

_**The Girl From Yesterday**_

_**The Eagles**_

_**It wasn't really sad the way they said good-bye  
Or maybe it just hurt so bad she couldn't cry  
He packed his things, walked out the door and drove away  
And she became the girl from yesterday**_

_**He took a plane across the sea  
To some foreign land  
She stayed at home and tried so hard to understand  
How someone who had been so close could be so far away  
And she became the girl from yesterday**_

_**She doesn't know what's right  
She doesn't know what's wrong  
She only knows the pain that comes from waiting for so long  
And she doesn't count the teardrops  
That she's cried while he's away  
Because she knows deep in her heart  
That he'll be back someday**_

_**The light's on in the window; she's waiting by the phone  
Talking to a memory that's never coming home  
She dreams of his returning and the things that he might say  
But she'll always be the girl from yesterday  
Yeh, she'll always be the girl from yesterday**_

_**Songwriters: Glenn Lewis Frey / Jack Tempchin**_

She sat as still as she could, but her tears were falling, she tried to catch them with the tissues, without much success, at least she wasn't sobbing, yet, as she normally did. The words described how she felt to a tee, and her heart broke every time she heard it, but she couldn't stop listening.

She never sensed it but his arm slipped around her, pulled her into him, took one earbud and started listening to the song, she had it on a loop which meant it played until she programed the next song, so he heard it a few times, before he tilted her head up to look into her eyes, and said n such a sweet and shy voice, **"that was yesterday, you have my today, and my tomorrow, I hope I have yours."**

It was fortunate the screen was up and was tinted, what came next would have put two high schoolers to shame, the make-out session was hot, it was long, and it was intense, with words whispered not said aloud. Her tears were wiped and kissed away, as they listened to the song again, this time, Rick surprised her and did a pretty good job matching Glen Frey on the lead vocals. She had been humming the harmony all along, but now this was a song of victory, no longer a bad memory. God, she loved this man, she just wanted to show him how much.

They managed to break apart, adjust their clothing just as the driver, David, announced on the intercom they were approaching the main gate. Kate was taken back to see the long, sleek drive, lawns manicured and the shrubbery trimmed to a detail that only Rick would demand. When they pulled up to the entrance, Kate's mouth was open, still in shock.

"Something wrong Kate?" Rick asked, innocently

"Rick, you said beach house, not beach mansion, my God, how rich are you? I'm sorry forget I said that it's just you're always so down to earth, never putting on the look at me, I'm rich attitude, I never expected something so, so eh, big" she finally settled on.

David had set the luggage on the front porch and returned to open the door for Kate and Rick, with Rick palming him a tip, she knew it was a large denomination bill, but she was taken back, even more, when he said,

"David, how is the family, that little one ever decide between the Saxophone and Trumpet?" he smiled,

"They're all great Rick, thanks for asking, and yes Dee has chosen her instrument, she's playing piano now, "he grimaced,

"That's a big switch, do you have a piano in the home for her to practice on? I know you had the Sax and Trumpet covered, but a piano can cost some money."

"Boy don't I know it, not yet, we're saving but you know,"

"Well take Dee down to the shop in town, you know where I'm talking about, think its Flagler's music and have her pick out one that will work for you, tell Bill to put it on my tab,"

"Rick, that's far too much, really I mean, I know you do a great deal for all of us, but that is just too much"

"OK, then I'll buy it and sell it to Dee for her weekly allowance, OK? Your choice, do it the easy way or don't make me turn your little girl against you" he laughed,

"Thank You, Rick, I wish there was more to say, it seems so little,"

"Tell you what, I get lifetime passes to her shows once she hits it big and we call it even,"

He smiled, and nodded, mainly because he was so choked up, he did get out, "Call me if you need me, Rick, day or night" and wiped his eyes as he drove away.

Rick turned to see a look of adoration on Kate's face, she smiled,

"What, did I do something wrong," he asked all seriously

"You really don't know just how special you are to so many people do you, I mean you think you impact a few, but Babe, what you just did was beautiful. A little girl will be able to play the instrument of her choice, not what her parents could afford. It may not sound like a lot to you, but trust me, it'll mean the world to that little girl. Do you mind if I ask what got you started doing things like this, I mean if it's"?

"Kate, we agreed if we had questions, we would ask each other, so it's not too private to tell you. Alexis was about 7, and she came home with a new love of the violin, we thought she would play the piano like her Grams but she got it in her head the violin was the instrument for her.

"Well, the books weren't exactly flying off the shelves yet, so I played piano three nights a week at the Old Haunt, that's where I got reacquainted with the place. The money bought her the violin, then the books took off, so my piano playing days were over."

"You said you got reacquainted with it Rick, did I miss something?" She asked leaning in to hear his every word.

"Do you remember the case when I bought the Haunt, and we discovered the prized liquor collection? Try to recall the pictures on the wall behind the bar, third stool from the left," he said raising his eyebrows slightly

"Rick, oh my God was that you? I told you that day that the guy was hot, and he didn't need to be hanging out in bars to pick up women, oh what a fool I made of myself"

Rick laughed, "Not really, but I tell you my ego did take a hit when you looked at me and laughed and said I never looked that good," as Kate's face went from Red to Bright Red in 2 seconds,

"Why didn't you correct me Rick?" she lamented,

"Wasn't much point Kate, remember you were with Josh then so I stood aside, it didn't matter if I had found a cure for cancer during those days, you still would have been with him, and I don't interfere in relationships. Being on the receiving end, I would never make anyone else feel like I felt,"

"Oh God Rick, please let's go inside, we need to talk about this more, but I want to get out of these clothes and into some comfortable nightclothes, I promise you, I'll answer any of your questions if you promise to tell me about Beth, minus the sex routines," as she blushed, and hurried toward the door.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**Do you remember the case when I bought the Haunt, and we discovered the prized liquor collection? Try to recall the pictures on the wall behind the bar, third stool from the left," he said raising his eyebrows slightly**_

"_**Rick, oh my God was that you? I told you that day that the guy was hot, and he didn't need to be hanging out in bars to pick up women, oh what a fool I made of myself"**_

_**Rick laughed, "Not really, but I tell you my ego did take a hit when you looked at me and laughed and said I never looked that good," as Kate's face went from Red to Bright Red in 2 seconds,**_

"_**Why didn't you correct me Rick?" she lamented,**_

"_**Wasn't much point Kate, remember you were with Josh then so I stood aside, it didn't matter if I had found a cure for cancer during those days, you still would have been with him, and I don't interfere in relationships. Being on the receiving end, I would never make anyone else feel like I felt,"**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 6**

**The Hamptons**

**Later that Night**

Rick had provided Kate with the tour, watching her eyes open wide with each new room, until he reached the Master Bedroom, then he spotted a bit of sadness, certainly not the joy she had been portraying.

"What is it Kate, something is bothering you, please we promised, tell me, I can't fix what I don't know is broken." His concern was genuine in his voice and the look on his face,

"It's stupid, actually it's petty, I shouldn't even*"

"Kate, please?" his eyes were more focused on her now, and she knew she would have to tell him the truth,

"Well, I was wondering, just how many other girls had been given this tour, I mean, it's none of my business, especially the way I paraded men in front of you, but now that I'm here, it's just, well*"

"Kate, I can't lie, I won't lie there have been others, not as many as you are probably thinking but yes there were ladies before you, but Babe, _**NONE of them were you**_." He was as serious as she had ever seen him,

She thought for a moment, if he could take her after the Deming Debacle, she couldn't fault him for things that happened long before her, she reached down, took his hand, and replied, "And none will ever be, so no more ever, OK?" she had tears in her eyes,

"I have never, nor will I ever cheat on anyone I commit to, Babe, that is a hurt no one should ever feel, so yes as long as you and I are committed to each other, there won't ever be anyone else here, at least in that way." He pulled her in and just held her for a few moments allowing her to regain her composure,

"I'm sorry," she whined, "I know I didn't have that right, but visions of Karpowski's tongue flicking in your mouth, as she and Ann rubbed their big boobs against you. Hell, it just sent shivers down my spine."

He continued to hold her, she couldn't see but she knew he was smiling about her new possessiveness came out, hell yes, she was jealous, more than he knew.

"Rick?" she asked,

"Yes?" he replied, fully knowing what she was going to say, but smiling still

"Quit smiling, it's not funny, OK?" she was seriously hurt that another woman would be kissing her man, well he wasn't at the time, but well she was hoping he was now.

He turned her head to face him, and kissed her, giving her the answer, she needed, for now, it was she that was in his arms, kissing his lips, they had work to do, but God what they had covered in such a short time. She shuddered knowing the painful parts for both were coming up, his time with Beth, and her trying to explain a marriage when she was the one and done type of girl, she had thrown in his face so often.

They walked back onto the veranda, knowing they had to talk, and the subjects weren't going to be easy, arms wrapped around each other's waist seemed to acknowledge, that each would be there for the other when the words were all said.

"So, how do you want to do this Rick, I know there are things you need to know from me, and as I said, I need to know about your time away, in someone else's arms, what changed, and how we can get past all our history, both of us. Shall I go first?"

"I think that would be best, but I also want to know what happened from the day I left for England, where did you go, who was with you, who helped you in your rehab, and then I would like to hear about the degree, why you really went back to your first love for an occupation." He was serious, kind, but very resolved in his statements, he wanted to know how she had turned her back on something he had asked her to do repeatedly, who had that power to get her to change her mind and chase her dream.

"That's fair Rick, I knew you would have a lot of questions, so believe me, as we agreed, somethings won't be easy to hear, but you need to know where my heart was coming from."

They relaxed on the furniture, Rick had brought her favorite drink out and sat it on the table, she patted the cushion next to her when he started to sit across,

"Babe, I need to hold your hand or touch you, to get through this, as I said, I never was that Badass cop that could leap tall buildings you always built me up to be, just a woman with a lot of flaws, and now working to prove to the man she loves more than life, she deserves another chance."

He sat beside her, took her hand in his, and just nodded, "Start where and when you're ready Kate, please*"

She turned and kissed him, "Babe, my lying days are over, I know I am one lie away from the heartbreak I will never recover from, so test me, ask me whatever you want to know, OK?"

He kissed her gently, held her hand, "Sorry Babe, the floor is yours."

"I think if I start right after you left to go back to England, well it would let me tell you how I felt some of my motivations, and what happened.

"The day you came to see me in the hospital, you told me that you were leaving in two days, I lied, you caught me, and I finally admitted that I had heard you in the cemetery. I'm just sorry I didn't have the courage the rest of the story then, and it took years for me to tell you what your words meant to me. I could tell you weren't the same Rick that had walked out of the precinct, or the one that saved my life, and countless others that day. The man I saw was hurting, almost to a point I no longer recognized that little man child I had grown to love.

"When I told you I loved you, your reply shocked me, you said that you believed that I believed I loved you but to talk to my therapist and see if he agreed, you couldn't understand how I could continue to hurt you if I had one ounce of feelings for you.

"Doctor Burke and I started my sessions before I was discharged, and you were right, he didn't pull any punches, often putting me in your shoes as he described my actions, I cried Rick, a lot, it was beginning to dawn on me how selfish I had been. All I thought about was my wants, my needs, and I was going to knock down anything or anyone who tried to stop me, even because the man loved me more than I had ever been loved in my life. I didn't see it, well I did see it, but it hit me the day you flew back.

"Lanie was visiting me, just making small talk, and she mentioned that you had been photographed arriving at Heathrow with a beautiful lady, and they were all going crazy that you had returned. I guess they knew about the Captain and your muse as Lanie put it. I realized how much I loved you and just how far away I had driven you when Evelyn Montgomery visited me later that day, she told me, Rick, how you had taken care of the girls, her, and then she said,

"Kate, Roy's no longer here, but as a woman, I'm going to tell you, if you don't crawl, fly, walk or swim to that man and pledge your love you are going to miss out on one of life's true fairy tales, he loves you so very much.

"When I objected and told her not anymore, she told me about Roy and her knowing about his transgression, and how she had forgiven him for leaving them all to make his wrong, right. She described the courage you showed, and how people love you for how you help everyone. When she left, I promised myself, even if I never got to see you again, I was going to make you proud of me.

"I left the hospital one day shy of it being 4 weeks from the day you left, no one but Dad knew where I went, well Dad and my college counselor. I was in a Rehab facility in upstate New York, I had just returned from a physical therapy session when I heard Jordan Shaw describe the takedown of Bracken and the henchmen. I knew then that I had wasted all those years, and for what a failed attempt to avenge my Mother. Jordan and her team brought it home in less than a week, some super cop I was.

"I was feeling, hell I don't know what I was feeling being truthful, but I remember crying when Dad appeared in the doorway and asked me if I would like some company. He told me, Rick, how you made sure he and I were safe, he also told me to never ask you because you couldn't tell me, so that was the day I decided, Mom had justice, I had lost you, no other man could compare, so I doubled down on the degree.

"I took a double course load for the entire first year, I couldn't have any spare time or I would think or see something about you, then it became you and Beth. The books came out, it was the only release I allowed myself, reading the Bond books, then the Heat series. I cried more when I read the dedications, to Roy, to all Cops who give it all, even those who are still here, but are empty because the job had sucked the life out of us.

"I had taken the Captain's exam, Roy had insisted for some reason the year before you started, and I was at the top of the list when Iron Gates became Prison Gates, I got the promotion to Captain. I decided that when I had the twenty years in and passed the bar exam I would retire from the force. I never dreamed that Javi would beat me out the door, but Lanie had waited long enough and moved on. That was another reminder of what I had destroyed, and I cried for a week, of course not letting her see, she was a beautiful bride, but you knew that didn't you?"

"What do you mean Kate? IF you're asking if I was in New York when she got married, I won't lie, I was, along with Alexis and Gina who attended the ceremony. I know you and your Dad were there for a little while then you were both gone."

"Well, when I saw you, Gina looked happy, so did Alexis and the last thing I wanted to do was bring back bad memories to you or them, so we left. Dad didn't like crowds anyway.

"Well, Law School came naturally to me, but I hit a snag when I applied for the Bar Exam after graduation. One you would never believe having to do with my marriage,"

"Really? Try me, Kate, I heard a lot but when it came to your marriage no one would crack, no matter how hard I tried, so when did you get married, to who, and why annulment after 5 months?"

"Well when I went for my background check for the Bar, they found I had been married and never divorced, I went nuts telling them it had to be a clerical error until I went down and saw the dates and name."

"So, you really were married, at least once before, Kate?"

"Well like you put cows on top of the school, I had just turned 18 and for my birthday my boyfriend and my roommate and her beau decided it would be a hoot to drive to Vegas, while we were there, we had a bit too much alcohol and went to an all-night wedding chapel.

"We ALL were supposed to do it, Logan O'Leary a boyfriend I kept only because he pissed my parents off so badly, and I went first. When it was Maddie's turn, she had sobered up enough to say no so there it was. I broke up with Logan when we got back to school, and that was the end of it I thought.

"The background check showed the marriage recorded but no divorce and the slimeball had been claiming me on his Income Tax for the last 14 years. It took me five months, and several threats, one included castration to get him to sign the annulment papers without getting alimony. Dad had the IRS waiting for him outside the room we finally got him to show up to, once he signed the papers, he was arrested for Tax Fraud. He won't be seeing the outside for quite a while.

"I had to revise the dates to the date of discovery, and date of annulment for the legal records, that's why it showed only 5 months, but Rick, he was a boyfriend, not a husband and the marriage was never consummated, before or after that charade. It taught me a lesson, be thorough when you do background checks, you never know what will be discovered."

Rick sat quietly, his hand over his face, his eyes not looking at her, she began to worry when more than just a few moments of silence had passed,

"Rick, please did you hear the part of the marriage wasn't consummated? I'm sorry if that hurt you, all the times your divorces were raised, and I threw that I'm a One and Done girl, hell I didn't even know when the one was done, at least on paper. She was looking for any sign of emotion, good or bad from him, then he erupted in laughter,

"You mean you had been married for over a decade and never knew it, and the sleazeball had been claiming you on Income Taxes, it's a miracle you didn't both get audited, he got out between loud guffaws,

"Yeah, even worse he had claimed I had been disabled and was also receiving supplementary benefits from the government, so it was a real mess, I was lucky Dad was there or I could have been liable for his debts, and it's not funny" she smacked his arm

"It's funny Kate, but again why in the hell would you choose such a loser, even back then I knew you were picky about things?"

"He's the one that pissed my parents, well mostly my Dad off the worse, I wanted to move off-campus, I had Mom talked into it, but Dad wasn't budging until I told him I would break up with my Boyfriend if he allowed it, the sham worked, but came with a huge price tag."

"I passed the Bar, and the background check on the first try, waited for three months till I got my full twenty years in, and retired from NYPD. Dad had also settled out of court with Bracken's estate which gave us both stability for the rest of our lives, so I decided to move, buy the townhouse, and getaway. You were on the book tour then, and as much as I wanted to see you, I couldn't bear it when Beth was right by your side, it hurt far too much.

"I've been on four dates since then, all ending before desert, it seems men today have no qualms in asking when you are going to put out, not romancing the damsel as it was, hell maybe I'm getting old, but really after the last one, that was it."

"How long ago was that Kate, if I may ask?"

"It was the same day as your Civil Separation of Property with Beth Rick, over a year ago."

"How did you know about the court proceedings over in England Kate?"

"As you say, I know a guy, but in this case a girl, no really Gina called me and told me you were going through a rough time and maybe coming back soon, then she asked me to see you, which I thought was strange. She told me,

"He's hurting bad Kate, he never got over you, now he's dealing with hurting Beth, which she knew was very possible, but went into the arrangement anyway, but Rick is shouldering all the blame, he needs more than a friend like me can give, he needs to be loved."

Rick sat silently, thinking how much Gina must really love him to call Kate, and how lucky he was to be sitting here, working out things with the only woman who had captured his entire heart,

Kate slipped his arms around her neck and kissed him, "Babe, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now, I promise"

He stared into her eyes, and just whispered, "Always?" to hear her soft reply, "Yes of course, Always"

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**I passed the Bar, and the background check on the first try, waited for three months till I got my full twenty years in, and retired from NYPD. Dad had also settled out of court with Bracken's estate which gave us both stability for the rest of our lives, so I decided to move, buy the townhouse, and getaway. You were on the book tour then, and as much as I wanted to see you, I couldn't bear it when Beth was right by your side, it hurt far too much.**_

"_**I've been on four dates since then, all ending before desert, it seems men today have no qualms in asking when you are going to put out, not romancing the damsel as it was, hell maybe I'm getting old, but really after the last one, that was it."**_

"_**How long ago was that Kate, if I may ask?"**_

"_**It was the same day as your Civil Separation of Property with Beth Rick, over a year ago."**_

"_**How did you know about the court proceedings over in England Kate?"**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 7**

**The Hamptons**

**Later that Night**

Kate slipped his arms around her neck and kissed him, "Babe, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now, I promise"

He stared into her eyes, and just whispered, "Always?" to hear her soft reply, "Yes of course, Always"

Rick recovered in a few minutes after Kate slipped her arms around him, sucking in a deep breath, he just held on to today, this moment, and tried to forget the hurt.

"You OK Babe? We can take a few minutes if you need to, I mean I'm not going anywhere," she smiled as she kissed him gently, he smiled at her, looked deep into her eyes, and whispered,

"Hey, it's my turn now, you laid your soul bare, so I know you have questions, but before we get to Beth, I want to start back before I met you, would that be OK?"

"Start anywhere you wish Rick, I'm here as she removed her arms from his neck but grasped his hand as she sat as close to him as possible,"

"OK, well, I haven't talked about this for a very long time, so, well, I, eh, it could get rough at times, please understand it has nothing to do with **US**, but everything to do with me, OK?"

She looked at him with such a soft and loving look, and just nodded,

"You asked me about therapy, I told you it didn't have anything to do with us, but actually it did. I know you picked up on Sophia Turner when we worked the Blakely case, as weird as the case was, I'm sure Sophia filled your head with as much propaganda as she could before, well before she died.

"I'm not sure what she said to you, but knowing her as well as I did, or at least I thought I did, I know she told you we had a relationship. It was more than a sexual tryst, well at least for me it was. I started shadowing her for the Clara Strike character, and well, I had just gotten over the rebound relationship, you know the one you go to immediately after your heart is broken, knowing it was all wrong.

"I dated another actress after Meredith, but really my heart wasn't in it, and she could tell, she told me I was a nice guy, but she didn't have time to be my cry pillow about another woman, so call her if I ever grew up and got over a heartbreak. I met Sophia through some connections, and she was about as excited to have a stranger shadowing her as you were, but she followed orders. It didn't take long, maybe a month before we went on the first date, and really she was so much different, or I thought she was to the woman you met."

"You mean the woman that had us both sent into the Hudson River, in my car, and then tried to shoot us both as she betrayed her country?" Kate said a bit too harsh, she realized it the moment, it came out of her mouth,

Rick's face dropped, and he got quiet, "Rick, look I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to come out that harsh, but she tried to kill us both, and well, I loved you and it hurt to see just how she influenced you, even after you had been apart. You loved her, I could tell, and that hurt."

He looked up slowly, and said softly, "You're right, I did love her, and for her to do what she did, well I would never have believed it had we not lived through her attempts. I've never seen someone I lov, eh had feelings for, die in such a fashion as she did. I never got the closure that I sought. All I was left with was more questions.

He was quiet for a few minutes, looking out to the distance then closing his eyes, Kate remained patient with him, knowing this was very hard for him, she needed to give him space but be supportive. She thought a few more moments she would approach him when he started talking again.

"Well we skipped to the end, so let's back up a bit, I shadowed Sophia for almost a year, after three dates we were exclusive, as far as I knew, but I don't think she cheated on me, our country yes, on me no. I went to her apartment one day to find the doorman had a letter for me, she had moved and not told me where. The letter just said it had been fun, she would call me when she got back to New York, and that's all she could say.

"Well, that's when the rejection set in, then depression, I only stayed away from the alcohol because Alexis watched me and I couldn't let her down. I tried to write, that's when Gina took me out, yes, she initiated the first date, and then she recognized that I needed more than a shoulder to cry on. I went to her therapist for almost a year. The sense of inadequacy was fueled by rejection and growing up as the Bastard child without the father, you were right when you told me that I was the class clown, it was the defense I developed as a kid.

"Sometimes it kept me from getting bullied, sometimes it deflected the cruel words and questions about my paternity. Mother, I love her to death, but you have to realize a boy forced to take piano lessons, no sports skills, no street toughness would be easy prey to the predators even back then.

"It wasn't until She met Carmen, a former boxer, who really took an interest in me, and taught me how to box, and after a few months, if humor didn't work, then the fists usually did. He was the first of her lovers to take an interest in me, most others wanted me to go away so they could get their groove on, so it was tough growing up."

Kate's eyes filled with tears as he recounted his childhood and how he developed humor as a defense, she started to say something but he shook his head.

"I'm sorry Kate if I don't keep talking, I'll never get this out, so yes I loved Sophia, more than I ever did Meredith, and no matter what she turned out to be, what you think of her, she wasn't that way when we were together. I thought she loved me, she either did or it was just another one of her academy winning performances

"Well when I was dismissed with not so much as a phone call, a quick note, delivered by her doorman when I went to see why she wasn't answering my calls or texts, well I felt about as low as I had ever felt. Even with Kyra, I got a face to face meeting, and that love was young love, this was a more mature, well I thought it was.

"Gina told me later that she was only a stand-in for Sophia, she knew it, but she didn't care, she loves me for some reason, why I have no idea. We dated for about 7 months until I asked her to marry me, more for Alexis to have a Mother figure, than me needing a wife. Alexis was getting to that age where her Grams advice was not the best, and she needed a woman's influence. The reason I married Gina was the same reason we divorced, she was always an outsider when it came to Alexis, and that's my fault.

"I would never allow her to come all the way in, afraid that the bond between my little girl and me would somehow be damaged, stupid, I know. The therapist told me it was a re-occurrence of the inferiority complex. When you look at me you see a rich, playboy who doesn't have a care in the world when I look in the mirror, I've never lost that boy who never fit in, was never truly accepted anywhere.

"Now before we get to my story with Beth, I'm going to pause, I know you have questions that you've been polite enough to hold back until I could get this out."

Kate looked into the sad eyes of her writer, her man who had hurt so deeply, yet so quietly accepted every barb, every insult, and she finally understood why he couldn't understand her perception of the gap between a Cop and the world-famous author, it finally made sense. In his eyes he was still searching for acceptance somewhere in his life, not professional, he had that, but his personal life.

He wasn't a playboy, more like a scared little boy hiding in a man's body, masking his hurt, insecurities, and pain with humor. It was no wonder why he had reacted the way he had when she paraded men in front of him, another reminder he wasn't good enough, at least in his eyes.

Her eyes were full of tears as she started to speak, "Rick, I think I finally understand why you hurt so deeply, and I can't say how sorry I am for making you feel one moment of inadequacies, those were mine, not yours Babe.

"You're right, Sophia did talk to me, I didn't understand some of the emotions at the time since I had it already pictured as a physical romp in the hay, just another notch on your bedpost, but she did love you, Rick, in her own way she truly did. I think her problem was she knew that living the life she was, she didn't want you caught up in that, and as you walked away to spare me, she did the same for you.

"You said it yourself she took her orders seriously, so I'm sure she didn't want you dead, but she had no control over other forces in play. I'll never forget the look on your face when the shot rang out and she fell limp. I left you alone with her body, I'm sorry for that, I wish now, I had let Danville do his job. I should have been there to hold you, to tell you, that I loved you, I will always love you, and you're more, much, much more than any person I know. You're all I want; all I'll ever want Rick."

Once again Rick wiped her tears gently, then kissed each eye, then her cheeks, and then finally a quick I love you kiss on her lips, that wanted to extend the kiss so badly.

"You are really something, I bet you don't know just how special you are, do you." He looked at her in that way that melted her heart, complete devotion, she felt his love, his caring about and for her.

A few moments passed and then he asked, "Time to discuss Beth?"

She nodded, "Just let me get us something from to drink," as she got up from the chair, she kissed him deeply, and then whispered, "I'll be right back Babe, you'll never be alone again if you will have me"

She returned with the drinks and once again, sat as close to him as she could get without being in his lap,

He set his drink down on the end table, and then gently pulled her on to his lap, she never let go of his hand, she had to be holding it, she just had to, time now for the hard part for her.

"OK, so where to start, might as well start with the three-week tour that got it all started. The day I left the precinct, I was dead inside, all of the lonely, awful feelings, every rejection, every hurtful word filled my brain. I had forgotten you were in a relationship when we hugged in the freezer, and then when I pulled a patented stupid Castle move, and you jumped into my arms. My last thought was if I have to go, I will leave this world loving you, and your face would be the last thing I saw. I never gave it a thought that your heart belonged to Josh, you weren't free and I should never forget that."

Kate's eyes pool with tears again, and her grasp on his hand has tightened remembering the coldness, the fear of dying but she had to tell Rick, he was the last thing on her mind, she had forgotten all about the place holder for him, that's all he ever had been.

"When he came to the precinct it was a slap in the face with a huge dose of reality, you weren't mine, I shouldn't have been having those thoughts, but I couldn't help it. My only escape was to leave, not keep subjecting myself to seeing you in the arms of another man, and it just happened that Patterson had canceled a three-week tour on the west coast, pissing off a lot of book stores. Gina and Paula were right, it was a chance to knock him down a peg, plus the money they offered was almost twice the going rate, they were desperate, well so was I for a diversion.

"Gina was at the loft when I got home, and she knew that I was hurting, and to her credit, it would have been simple to fall back into the backup role, love the one you're with, she refused to be a substitute for you. She told me she loved me and if she knew that I would be making love to her instead of picturing your face she would rape me in Times Square, but she knew, and I couldn't, I wouldn't lie to her. Not that you would care but we were never intimate Kate, she loves me, I love her, but not in a marrying way."

"Rick, I never knew he was coming, I told him to stay away, I'm so very sorry, I never wanted you to feel more pain, hell I'm sorry I even started up with the two-timing bastard, but more because I hurt you deeply. When you said, you should go home, get some rest, I thought you were joking until I felt him come up behind me, I saw the look on your face Rick, I still see it. It was one of defeat, one I never saw before. **WHY** didn't you tell me you were leaving when I texted you later that night?"

"You want the truth? The real truth Kate, because you're not going to like the answer."

"Rick, we promised, and we both know some answers are not going to be pleasant, so yes I need to know"

"OK, do you remember what your text said? I do, word for word;

"_**Hey, hope you're getting some rest if you're awake let me know. KB"**_

"_**I'm up, tried sleeping but dreams want to take over RC"**_

"_**Having the same problem, wanted to tell you Montgomery gave us all off till Monday, I'm finally getting warmer, hope you are too. Anything you want to talk about, I'm here KB"**_

"_**Nope, all good, glad you're getting warm, enjoy your time off, talk soon" RC**_

"Kate, I left you in the arms of your lover, then you text me to tell me you had three days off to be with him and you were getting warmer, how was I supposed to respond to that? I hope you and Josh have a great three days? He marked his territory and it was my reminder that you were off-limits so why talk to you about things that could never be, at that time. I have to tell you, Alexis was against me even answering your texts, and Gina was worried I was getting played again.

"I sent the email to Roy and Bob, and then made the arrangements for the tour, I really didn't think to let you know since you were so invested in your Doctor. Long story short, Bob called then Roy called 5 minutes before we were leaving for the airport, and I don't know what went down but I heard that Bob raised hell with Boyle, who took a pound of flesh from Roy's ass, which I'm sure filtered down to you, that wasn't my intention, I was trying to maintain some dignity and self-preservation."

"Do you know how I found out my partner was leaving for three weeks, not even considering the fact with his ex-wife fueling the fires of a reunion of you two. In fact, TMZ reporter who broke the story, where I found out, asked Gina about the rumors. My heart went cold when she told him, and I remember this Rick, "Not happening, that's not saying we won't be practicing our honeymoon again while we're on tour". I almost died, that was the first I knew that you were going away, and with Gina."

"Kate, that sounds a little one-sided on your part, you had Josh, think back to the weeks before, how we all found out he was your boyfriend, then came the barbs you threw out, then after we go through life and death situations, he gets the award for **not leaving** for his Doctors Without Borders, for staying.

"I think you said, **_'it meant you two had a chance'_**, your words not mine. That was the line that convinced me I had to get out of the way, you made your choice and I was honoring your wishes. As for Gina and I, she's the Mom to Alexis she never had, and yes, she loves me, and I won't lie, I still love her.

"We both know it won't work, no matter how much love we have, it just won't and neither of us will go that route again. If I'm being completely honest, it was a huge temptation to fall back into a relationship with her. I needed to know someone loved me for me, and the human touch, well, we never went that far, but it was close.

His attitude had changed, he was angry, and he was calling her out on her hypocrisy, she really had no right to say the things she had, he was free to seek the attention of whomever he pleased. It did shock her when he told her that Alexis wanted him to stay away from her, she had been close to the young lady, but another relationship that had been damaged,

"Rick, I'm sorry, I mean I know how that sounds now, but"

"But what Kate, I was supposed to keep waiting for you to allow me the table scraps left from your relationships, did you know that Espo called me your fetch dog, only good to fetch your coffee and serve as a stand-in until your love showed up. Do you have any idea of how hurtful that was, mostly because in most instances it was true, or certainly appeared to be?"

"Rick, I*"

"It's late Kate, I think we both need to step away from this, I'll take the guest room, you have the Master, Good Night," he grabbed his suitcase and was up the stairs before she knew what had happened, God, she had done it again,

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**Rick, I'm sorry, I mean I know how that sounds now, but"**_

"_**But what Kate, I was supposed to keep waiting for you to allow me the table scraps left from your relationships, did you know that Espo called me your fetch dog, only good to fetch your coffee and serve as a stand-in until your love showed up. Do you have any idea of how hurtful that was, mostly because in most instances it was true, or certainly appeared to be?"**_

"_**Rick, I*"**_

"_**It's late Kate, I think we both need to step away from this, I'll take the guest room, you have the Master, Good Night," he grabbed his suitcase and was up the stairs before she knew what had happened, God, she had done it again, **_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 8**

**The Hamptons**

**3:00 AM Next Morning**

Kate had tossed and turned the entire time she had been in bed, she knew it wasn't the time to approach Rick now, he had walked away to keep from saying something hurtful, that was what he always did. No matter how upset she made him, he seldom if ever lost his temper, and striking back with unkind words was just not him. She finally gave up on sleep and slipped on her robe, and opened the huge slider doors to the balcony overlooking the ocean.

It was a beautiful night, the waves lapping onto the shoreline the only noise she could hear, the sea breeze filling her nostrils, transporting her from a world of hurt and anger to one of peaceful tranquility. If only that could be the case in her life, it seemed for every step forward they made, something she did or said put them back, to square one.

The sky was clear with a million stars illuminating the water, sparkling like diamonds for as far as she could see. She squinted her eyes, there was someone on the beach since it was private, it could only be one person, Rick.

She threw on her shorts and top, then grabbed a windbreaker since the air had a bit of chill to it, she wasn't sure exactly what to do, but she wasn't going to waste one minute with the man she loved if she could help it. He was right, of course, he was, she was being selfish again, as she thought back to the conversation a few hours previously. It was petty of her to mention her fear of Gina as she hung on to a stand-in for Rick, and the comment from Esposito, well if she could travel back in time, she would kick his ass, twice.

As she made her way quietly down the path to the beach, she kept her eyes peeled on Rick, it looked as if he were running sprints up and down the beach, then practicing some pretty fancy karate moves, she would have never guessed, the man constantly surprised her. He was in much better shape now than he had been consuming double cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes daily from Remy's when he was at the precinct with her and the boys.

If he saw her approaching, he made no sign, he continued his running and then a series of kicks and maneuvers, she stopped short of encroaching on his space, and simply waited for him to complete his routine.

"What are you doing down here, you should be sleeping Kate," He said, not hatefully but obviously still upset with her from a few hours previously.

"I could ask you the same question, but to answer yours, I never slept, you know I didn't want to leave things the way they were. I know you, Rick, I know you walk away rather than saying things that hurt my feelings, but sometimes, Hell Rick get pissed at me, sometimes make me apologize.

"You've given me a free pass for as long as we have known each other. Doctor Burke told me, he had no idea where you got your patience from, even he yelled at me and some of my stupid actions. I was wrong, you were right, and I can't undo the Josh time frame, God only knows how much I wish I could, how badly I wish I could do a lot of things, but Rick, walking away to keep from saying something isn't going to fix us.

"We've had years apart from each other, I love you, I know you love me, but Babe, you have to know it's OK to be upset with me, to even yell at me sometimes. God, my parents used to go at it tooth and nail, then I was sent out to play, I guess makeup sex isn't anything new.

"I want to fight, I want to clear the air, then I want to take you back inside and fuck your brains out. I don't want you to be afraid of my feelings, so much you hold things inside. I spent the entire time we were together at the 12th forcing you to do that, so please Rick, fight with me, then make love to me. I know I screwed up, and I'm sorry." She got it out before the tears fell,

Whatever he was expecting wasn't what he had just heard, Kate had told him exactly what she wanted to say, without breaking down, or one use of subtext. He grabbed his towel as she stood her ground, even when he started walking the 5 steps toward her, she didn't flinch. When he reached her, he looked into her eyes, and then kissed her like she hadn't been kissed in a long time.

Even though it was a private beach there were laws about conduct, as they kissed their way back to the home, then the shower, ripping the clothes from each other, he didn't spare her size, simply picking her up from the shower and placing her sill wrapped in a towel on his bed. When he laid down beside her, she took the initiative,

"I told you I wanted to fuck your brains out, this time babe, it's all you, just lean back and enjoy". She more than made up for any hurt feelings, if this was makeup sex, hell he would fight with her every day. God, she knew his body, in just a few times they had been intimate before she pushed him to the limit several times before pulling back, "Paybacks a bitch Rick, like you do to me, Babe, but this time" and then he was sent over the edge and the parade started.

They lay in each other's arms for a while listening to the waves, not saying a word, until he heard a quiet voice,

"Do you forgive me Babe?"

"Was that your version of makeup sex? If it was get ready for a fight every day, God Kate, you're right I had no idea, and yes I forgive you IF"

"IF Rick, if what?"

"This time we make love, not have sex, and it's your turn, OK Babe, those are my terms of forgiveness"

She rolled over on top of him, looked deep into his eyes, and said, "I love you, Richard Castle, I accept those terms with one condition, that you get your turn as well,"

Hours later the sun was shining through the curtains, Kate pulled the covers over their heads and began to make love to him all over again. He awoke to have her in the middle of his favorite technique, stopping her just in time, till he could satisfy her, then they exploded together.

"Kate, what were we fighting about?" Rick asked,

"I don't remember, but was it worth it Babe?" She kissed him gently then deeply and then laid her head on his chest and fell asleep, as his big arm pulled her into him tightly.

Xx

She awoke a few hours later, she reached over gently and his arm that had held her so tightly was missing, his side of the bed was cold, sending shivers down her spine. She jumped up and threw on a robe, then she heard his voice coming from the kitchen, he was singing. She had only heard his voice once, when he sang along with the heartbreak anthem, now her victory song, Girl from Yesterday.

She took a few steps closer to hear him better, damn he was rocking it, she listened to the words, then realized it was another Eagles song, he must be a fan as well, this wasn't one of the most requested songs they did, but she knew the lyrics by heart. No More Cloudy Days. She inched closer and out the door as she heard his lyrics, he was really good, and the song was so appropriate

_Sitting by a foggy window  
Staring at the pouring rain  
Falling down like lonely teardrops  
Memories of love in vain  
These cloudy days, make you wanna cry  
It breaks your heart when someone leaves and you don't know why_

_I can see that you've been hurting, baby I've been lonely too  
I've been out here lost and searching, looking for a girl like you  
Now I believe the sun is gonna shine  
Don't you be afraid to love again, put your hand in mine..._

She had reached him from behind just as he started on the chorus, and she joined in adding the harmony, as she wrapped her arms around him, he turned and smiled, the next verse she knew was his message to her, he never said it but he didn't have to.

_I know a place where we can go where true love always stays  
There's no more stormy nights, no more cloudy days_

_I believe in second chances  
I believe in angels, too  
I believe in new romances  
Baby, I believe in you  
These cloudy days are coming to an end  
And you don't have to be afraid to fall in love again_

_Baby, I would never make you cry  
I would never make you blue  
I would never turn away  
I would never be untrue  
I know a place where we can go where true love always stays  
There's no more stormy nights, no more cloudy days_

She turned his face as he finished the verse and kissed him sweetly,

"Rick, I was so afraid things had crashed last night, then I woke up and you were gone. I started to run out here, then I heard you singing this song, why this one Babe? Or is that too personal?"

"It's not too personal, I'm a writer, and I appreciate those who can put their thoughts down on paper, and these two guys, Frey and Henley were masters of capturing emotions almost everyone in the world has, are, or will be going through. The first time I heard it was at a concert and it struck me, they did in one verse what took me chapters to convey, 'I believe in second chances, I believe in angels too' I never put those concepts together, until, well eh, after Roy's funeral."

Kate's tears fell gently, "You're talking about my shooting, Angel's part, and wanting so badly to give me a second, well another second chance, and I blew it then, I'm so sorry Babe."

"You know I waited so long to hear you say those words, but after the last few days, I realized, it's not important who was right, who was wrong, just that we worked through it, with love and respect. Please, no more I'm sorry, we both have plenty if we kept score."

"Well, I am sorry I hurt you again last night, you were right and I fell back into old ways, I'm glad you called me on it right away."

"Well, if that was any sample of how our fights are going to end, then be prepared to fight every day, God, you were so HOT last night, I had no idea,"

She smiled shyly, "Well, let's just say that we won't have to fight to have makeup sex, OK? I mean we could skip the fight and just move to the sex part; I love you, and when we make love it makes me forget the fool I was for so long."

"The fool we both were, and Agreed Counselor" he laughed, using her new title as he used to use Detective,

She smiled, "I know we didn't get as far with our talk as we need to, but I would like to spend some time, even if it's just an hour walking on the beach, holding your hand, swimming together, all the things I imagined after I screwed up that summer," she said with a sad look in her eyes.

"Babe, breakfast will be done in a few minutes, I agree, let's take today, all of it, and just do things we each love to do. We need to go to the stores to refurbish some of the items the staff never stock, fresh produce, for your salads, and we're low you your sugar-free vanilla for your coffee" he smiled,

She hugged him, the man never stopped thinking about her, what she wanted what would please her all the way down to her damn coffee, she loved him more and more every day.

They had breakfast and then showered alone so that they would make it out of the bedroom, Kate was amazed at how good he looked, God, he was ripped now, and hadn't aged a bit. They walked along the beach, collecting shells, just holding hands, humming songs from time to time, and stopping to kiss, they had to keep it G level since Rick's neighbor's grandkids were out, and on the beach next door. His touch, holding her hand, gently swaying as they walked was a constant reminder to her of just how beautiful the day, hell the world was.

When they went to the city proper, she was amazed at how laid back the people with money really were when they were away from the spotlight. They all seemed genuine, well to her first impression, and the only hiccup came when they ran into the mistress of a drug runner from New York, who had given them problems during a case they had worked. Natalia Roosevelt was a spiteful woman, often dropping leaks to the RAG magazines when she spotted Rick trying to steal away for a few days of rest.

She was, at that time a prominent member of the community, served on City Council, and was the owner of the place to go, now, her bar was gone, she was defeated by a High School senior for her City Council post, and she was pretty much shunned from parties and events. She seemed to live for revenge, and her first words to Kate where,

"So, you're back with the Cop Bitch, enjoy it Castle, she'll leave you like all the rest as soon as she learns about all your secrets"

"Are you talking about his former fiancé Beth, Natalie, well I knew him before, and not that it's any of your business, but we never lost touch, even had Beth's approval. By the way, I've had a job change since we last met, I'm now the owner of my own Law Firm which means suing you for slander is free, and actually quite enjoyable. I think your next trick is here, pointing to a businessman definitely out of his comfort zone, for you Natalie, better make the money before the sagging sets in, well any worse than it already has."

They turned and walked away from an open mouth female bully who had just had her ass handed to her, and was just realizing it.

Xx

The sun was just beginning to set when they started their drive back, Rick took the opportunity to follow the coastline until the sun was completely gone, then pulled over kissed her sweetly, "Thanks for today, I enjoyed myself, and have never seen Natalie handled the way you did, it was worth the price of admission."

"You're welcome and I enjoyed the day as well, she was, is and will always be that way so the best way to get her, is to hit her where she plays, intimidation. I think you won't have too many more surprise visits from the paparazzi anymore because of her leaks"

"How did you know about that Kate, I mean yes it happened, and I was here writing, they actually camped out, all convinced that I was hiding my mistress, I let them stay for two weeks once till they finally gave up."

"I read Rick, sometimes even the RAG papers if it had your name in an article, it was just my way of staying as close to you as I could." She kissed him and then, "Speaking of we better get going, I do have a law license to protect from arrests for public indecency, once we get going" she smiled,

"Kate, I know you want to know about my time in England, and I'll tell you everything, but could we let tonight continue, just the two of us. I don't want to end a beautiful day with a recap of things I know will hurt us both, just one more night Babe?"

"If you hadn't suggested it, I was going to, I want to remember this day and night, with just the two of us in those memories, let's go home, Rick."

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**You know I waited so long to hear you say those words, but after the last few days, I realized, it's not important who was right, who was wrong, just that we worked through it, with love and respect. Please, no more I'm sorry, we both have plenty if we kept score."**_

"_**Well, I am sorry I hurt you again last night, you were right and I fell back into old ways, I'm glad you called me on it right away."**_

"_**Well, if that was any sample of how our fights are going to end, then be prepared to fight every day, God, you were so HOT last night, I had no idea,"**_

_**She smiled shyly, "Well, let's just say that we won't have to fight to have makeup sex, OK? I mean we could skip the fight and just move to the sex part; I love you, and when we make love it makes me forget the fool I was for so long."**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 9**

**The Hamptons**

**8:15 AM Next Morning**

**FLASHBACK 8 Hours **

The night had been more than Kate could have ever expected, not one word of either's hurtful past actions were mentioned. They recounted the flirtatious moments each had shown the others over the years, and what they had been thinking when it occurred. Kate had to remember, she had never told Rick how she felt, really felt with the actions of both him and her.

He truly had no idea, of how much she was and had been in love with him, and had been since the Candela case. She closed her eyes and saw him crawling on the floor, looking for the little girl's rabbit, how she awoke, and pretended to still be asleep so she could witness a Dad being a loving father, nothing else.

That night sealed it for her, he was her one and done, but how would she tell him, hell what if he didn't want her? It accounted for some, not all of, but the attempts to make him jealous to gauge the interest. She didn't say as much, she didn't have to, he picked up on it in their conversation.

"So, you can tell me now Kate, when did I go from pest to someone, you might consider being in your life? I think I know but again, I stopped assuming, I want to know from you."

"Well, I'll tell you when you tell me, when did I go from the next notch in your bed to someone who you cared deeply for? Not that I don't trust you, but write it down, I need these for my Forever Box, I told you about. Someday in the future, I'm going to pull these out and remember this time, especially this night in our lives, it's what gets, well got me through the days Rick."

Rick smiled, pulled two sharpies from the nightstand and two small pads, and handed Kate one.

"You always keep writing materials this close to bed Rick, something I should know about, some secret quirk of yours?" Kate asked half laughing but serious at the same time.

He laughed, "Sometimes I would wake up with a book or chapter idea, I don't know if I dreamed them or they just came to me, anyway when I first started writing I just thought I'll remember but I never did. I started keeping pads and sharpies to capture the thoughts the moment I woke, it proved to be some of the best scenes I ever wrote."

"Like page 105 of Heatwave Rick?" Kate smiled,

"A writer never discloses his inspiration," he laughed, "You have a question to answer.

Kate took one of the pads and pens, and began to write, hiding her answer from Rick.

"You better be answering my question if you ever want to hear mine" she kidded,

She wrote very clearly, _"I was sitting in the rocking chair at the Candela house, Will was somewhere, I didn't care, but I heard a noise and opened my eyes slightly, there you were, crawling on your hands and knees. I closed my eyes and watched through the tiny slit in my eyes, you were on a mission. I pictured you doing this before, probably when Alexis was small, crawling on a floor with a $4000 suit on, to help find a little girl. I was leaning towards your kindness, but Rick, that was the night I truly fell in love with you. _

"_I pictured little ones of our own, a house, a dog, and my happily ever after. Then I woke and asked you what you were doing, your answer melted my heart. You knew how important that damn rabbit was to Angela, something Will and I both missed, and you had so much love for a little girl you had never met. I fell, head over heels for you but I had to hide it, why, well we've talked about all the stupid thoughts and pretend reasons, but that was the night Babe, I fell in love with you, and I still am."_

Rick knew the moment his feelings turned from lust to love, the exact minute, after their first case it was still lust but changed the moment he saw Will trying to kiss her. Something inside of him clicked, almost like jealousy, which he had never been jealous of anyone he had ever been in a relationship with.

He wrote, _"Kate, you turned down the man who wanted sex from you after our first case, I'm so glad you did. When I saw Will try to kiss you, something inside of me felt like it broke, it did, it was my heart, knowing that this was love and you were getting back with your ex-boyfriend. _

"_I cursed the universe for the rotten timing then when he was shot, and I had to admit to you, well what I had done. It broke my heart, I hurt more having to apologize to you, then turn and walk away knowing that I would never see you again than any time in my life, but you saved me, us, and I have been in love with you, I'm still in love with you and yes I am jealous."_

When they both had finished, Kate before Rick, they sat quietly, waiting for the next move.

"I asked the question so I guess you should go first,"

"Why don't we exchange the notes, then we can talk about them, OK?" Kate asked her eyes pleading, Rick would and could never refuse her anything with that look.

He handed her his paper, as she did to him, both were quiet for a long while, then she turned and looked at him,

"I was never getting back with him Rick, I had already moved on, my heart wasn't free, it was yours already. I just was so stupid, I didn't know how to handle it, or believe it. Doctor Burke told me I had instilled a guilt complex to keep me from being happy until I solved Mom's case, he was right."

"You really had visions of kids, the white picket fence, and our lives that far out Kate? I mean I loved you, I would have married you then and started that life if I only knew. I want what makes you happy, whatever that is, but I won't apologize for protecting you the best I could, even at the cost to us both. I would rather stand and fight with you than to visit your grave, place flowers and cry my heart out"

The remainder of the night went with few words spoken, other than the universal physical language of love,

**PRESENT TIME**

Kate awoke alone with Rick's side of the bed cold. She slipped out of bed and saw him sitting on the veranda, drinking a cup of coffee, looking out over the bay, something was off with him. She slipped a robe on, and joined him, he had her coffee warm in a small thermos and poured it silently.

"How long have you been up Babe? I'm sorry I never felt you leave the bed"

"Oh, a couple of hours, breakfast is in the warmer if you want some, and I know how you are without your coffee," he smiled, but Kate knew something was really bothering him.

"Rick, I love you, I know you love me, but Babe, you are hurting now, and we promised, no more lies, no more secrets, talk to me love"

He looked up at her, and his eyes were filled with tears,

"I hope you can still say that after we talk today, this is the tough part, and I don't want to start and have to stop again. Why don't you get a shower, I'll re-heat breakfast and then after we eat, we can talk about England, and I'll answer your questions, OK?" His voice was quiet, sad, and almost regretful,

"Rick, I know you had a relationship with Beth, you can say her name, I know you're trying to keep from hurting me, but Babe, when I get back from my shower, please just talk it out, no holding back, no blaming yourself, or anyone other than us both. OK? I'll be back soon," she crossed the veranda, took his face between her hands and kissed him, trying to show him the love her heart held for him.

Xx

They had settled on the couch, the cool ocean breeze serving as the air conditioning they needed, Rick had her coffee ready, he was drinking water, and nervously twisting a paperclip until she reached over and gently took his hands,

"Ready when you are Babe, please don't hold back, not knowing as you know is worse than hearing the truth from you. It takes away all my imagination conjures up so often," she leaned in and kissed him softly,

"Well, here goes, when I first left the precinct, I had no idea what I was going to do, all I knew was I couldn't go back, not again, I couldn't see you in the arms of another man again. I walked a while, then I went to visit Roy's grave, it was really hard but I had to say goodbye to him. I knew I had to leave to save my sanity and allow you to be happy, that's what true love, well in my mind does, stand aside if someone can make you happy.

"I saw the spot, well where I held you and told you I loved you, I guess I said it loud enough for New Jersey to hear according to Lanie, I had to remember that you were OK, and you were back to being Kate.

"I got a call from Gina, telling me that Alexis was worried about me, so I went home. Gina loves me, Kate, I want you to understand that, and also that I love her as well, just not enough to try marriage again. Well, she was there when I got home and she knew in a minute something had happened. I'm not sure when Paula showed up, or if Gina had called her, but later that evening I was offered the three-week book tour that Patterson canceled last minute, and I took it.

"I sent the email to Roy and Bob, never thinking that you would care, in fact, I thought it would open the lane for you and Josh, so he would stop being jealous of something that could never be, not as long as you were with him. I was really surprised when I heard Bob went nuts, chewed Commissioner Boyle out who took a pound of flesh from Roy. I never intended for it to go past Bob and Roy that I was leaving for my 'real' job nothing more. I'm sorry it got blown up out of proportion.

"I never brought up the summer I went away, how I was treated, so not sure how Bob found out about that, but that was what set him off. He told me to come back, pick my Detective, hell pick my precinct, and he would be sure things like almost getting shot by Ryan, and the put-downs that Roy heard from you, Demming, and Esposito, would never occur again. I told him I appreciated the offer but I had a job and now I had to get back to it, he knew there was more, so I think he grilled Roy.

"Well I left for the tour, and Gina, well she was a friend, a great friend, and I know you think we fell back into bed together, everyone did, but we never did anything more than kiss. She told me I would find someone and it would hurt too much if we were that close physically, as well as being close emotionally.

"She was more attentive during the tour than she had ever been, I think she had talked to Alexis, and it was looking out for me for her girl. Alexis calls her Mom and is closer to her than she ever was or will be to Meredith. She handled everything and they even surprised me on my birthday, with Alexis and Paula showing up at the hotel with a cake and a small gift.

"It was touching, but then Paula dropped the news, the original deal that was offered when I turned them down had been more than doubled, with Gina taking over the American Operations for Fox Run. She had earned it. The royalties were unbelievable, they were tiered on a scale so one bestseller would ensure Alexis' entire family could live comfortably, even if they never worked.

"I turned that offer down once with hopes of more, and I was on the shelf less than a month later, so I took it, for me to escape and the added benefit for Gina. I knew in my heart I would cave and come running back if I were in New York, so I had to go.

"The money was too good, plus for me, it was the perfect timing to leave New York, I didn't have to see Deming in the halls, or hear Esposito tell of his days in Special Forces, but mostly, I didn't have to see you with Josh. I was shocked when you had the PDA with Tom, but when you cleared the path for Josh to visit the floor, well I knew this was serious and it was time for me to go.

"We were celebrating the new deal when Alexis noticed my phone vibrating, I think she caught your picture that came up, and she let me have it for being rude, then Gina, don't look so surprised, Gina told me not to lead you on, that you had hurt enough and now what I was doing was cruel, that wasn't me and I needed to get back to myself."

"Is that when you called me Rick? I knew something had to have happened, I had left hundreds of texts and voice mails, I acted like a school girl when I got your call, I was so very happy, at least for a little while." she looked sad, and so afraid, as she breathed the words

"Truthfully, I called you because Gina asked me to, she told me I had forgiven her, at least I owed you an answer to let you move on, or apologize or both."

Kate's eyes flood with tears knowing now that it was another woman, his ex-wife that had convinced him to call her, more of obligation than of his desire to speak to her. It was a duty, a promise to Gina and Alexis.

"I'm sorry Kate, I told you the truth was going to hurt, you and me, but I won't lie, so if you don't want to hear any more just tell me"

"No, No, I'm sorry, please go on Rick, you're right it does hurt but we need to work through this if we will ever get all the way to where I think we both want." She wiped her eyes, and sniffled, willing her tears to stop,

"Well you told me about Josh being unfaithful, I knew all along he was a player, but no matter what anyone had said about him, you would react twice as strong in his defense. Espo wanted to tell you when he saw him with another woman, and I told him not to, you would find out when you were ready to open your eyes. You're the best detective in New York, you only get fooled for a while till you figure it out."

Kate shed a few more tears, then quickly nodded to go on,

"I was sincere about the pain you went through, infidelity, even with someone you really don't love still hurts, and no one, no matter what the relationship deserved to feel as that makes you feel. The look on your face tells me you didn't know that Meredith cheated on me when Alexis was in the crib, you probably just assumed it was my fault. That's OK, it's what most people do, better to have your Dad a playboy than your mother a slut for Alexis sake."

"I wanted to enjoy you hurting, I really did, but I loved you and when you hurt, I hurt. I made a call and Josh, well we'll just say he wasn't hurt physically but the sight of three mobsters throwing him into the trunk of a car, and letting him think he was headed for his execution will hopefully make him more faithful in the future.

"He cried like a baby when he thought his life was ending, so the fear was enough retaliation for me, I know you wouldn't have approved so I'll say I'm sorry for you, but not for doing it to the smug bastard who twisted the knife in me every chance he got."

Kate was crying harder now, and Rick chose to take a break, he walked out on the veranda, to give her some space. He wasn't sure why she was crying, for Josh, for him, for whatever, he wasn't assuming anything anymore.

He knew she was hurt by his words, but until he got it all out, he would always harbor some resentment towards her, and that wasn't a good recipe for long term relationships. He looked out over the water, listening to the waves intermingled with the tears of the woman he loved, one relaxed him, one tore his very soul from his body, but he had to get through this.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**I was sincere about the pain you went through, infidelity, even with someone you really don't love still hurts, and no one, no matter what the relationship deserved to feel as that makes you feel. The look on your face tells me you didn't know that Meredith cheated on me when Alexis was in the crib, you probably just assumed it was my fault. That's OK, it's what most people do, better to have your Dad a playboy than your mother a slut for Alexis sake."**_

"_**I wanted to enjoy you hurting, I really did, but I loved you and when you hurt, I hurt. I made a call and Josh, well we'll just say he wasn't hurt physically but the sight of three mobsters throwing him into the trunk of a car, and letting him think he was headed for his execution will hopefully make him more faithful in the future. **_

"_**He cried like a baby when he thought his life was ending, so the fear was enough retaliation for me, I know you wouldn't have approved so I'll say I'm sorry for you, but not for doing it to the smug bastard who twisted the knife in me every chance he got."**_

_**Kate was crying harder now, and Rick chose to take a break, he walked out on the veranda, to give her some space. He wasn't sure why she was crying, for Josh, for him, for whatever, he wasn't assuming anything anymore. **_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 10**

**The Hamptons**

**Later Same Morning**

Rick was on the veranda for about 45 minutes, allowing Kate to regain her composure, he promised not to lie, but it was harder than he thought, especially when he saw and heard her cry. The one thing he tried to keep her from he was now causing, but there was no other way. God, he hadn't even gotten to Beth and he, what was she going to do then?

His thoughts were interrupted with Kate clearing her voice, and handing him a bottle of cold water, she had an Iced Tea, and although her eyes were sad, she put on a strong front, and said quietly,

"I thought maybe we could sit out here for a while if you don't mind when you're ready to continue, and I'm sorry I stopped you by crying."

"Kate, I don't want to hurt you, none of the things I said, or will say are designed to hurt you, but if we don't talk about some of this, then it will fester someday and cause a big blowup when one or both of us are lulled into thinking we are home free, I can't take that chance. My heart isn't going to survive another one of those episodes,"

"I know Rick, and you're right, we do need to hear each other's side, there has been far too much confusion because we didn't just say what we felt, so please when you're ready," She sniffled, but her eyes no longer had the tears waiting to fall.

"Well, I know it hurt when I told you I called you because Gina asked me to, but when you told me to check with Eduardo when I got home for my present, I was thoroughly confused. Then the copy of Casino Royale, I thought you had raided your 401K trying to get me to talk to you, and I felt really bad. I know I insulted you when I asked if I could go half on the cost, but I hope you know where my heart was." He looked sheepish, almost like he was expecting her to bail or to scream at him.

"Rick, I was offended, well at first then I realized that it was just you still trying to protect me for my future, and I thought it was very sweet. You had spent $100K on Rathbourne, without you I never would have found out who my Mom's actual killer was, so the few dollars I spent was not out of my budget. I can see where you would think I was trying to buy my way back, and I'm sorry for that, even more, that you've been treated that way your entire life.

"I was afforded a life of privilege, and I act like a spoiled bitch, you were raised by a single Mother with enough hardships you have every reason to feel sorry for yourself, yet you never did. It made me think of your life, and I just wanted to show you for once in your life you mattered, more than anyone else, you matter to me. My timing sucked, I should have waited till we were at least talking, but I would do it all again, I know you love it, and the call was worth the cost." She smiled through her red eyes, and took his hand, patted it gently, "Thanks for loving me, I know I'm a mess"

He smiled, then continued slowly, "Well once the deal with England was finalized, I needed to finish the Heat Series, I told Gina, to use it as fill in for the Bond novels, so we went to the Hamptons, Alexis, Gina, and I, with Paula joining us when she could. I completed the three books during the next three weeks, and Gina edited them, as I was writing. We worked some very long hours, one night, well day and night we worked 36 hours straight, and then crashed together, fully clothed, and slept. Just so if you hear stories about that, I want you to know the truth from me first.

Rising Heat didn't take long, it was a recap of us, but Exploding Heat was a release mechanism to let some of the hurt, frustration, and disappointment of us out of my system, Gina made some major edits that I'm glad she did now, it would have been too hurtful the way it was originally written.

"When I decided to end us, I had to end the series, so Extinguished Heat was a book I had worked on, in between you and I being partners, so I did some refinements, and again Gina did some major edits, to keep both of us alive, and as cruel as it ended in your mind it was originally submitted with a far worse ending for us both. I didn't even know she changed the ending until it came out, she knew better than I that words on paper are forever and can never be recalled.

"I wrote that book with a passion, a combination of love, hate, hurt, and confusion of what it would take to ever be good enough for you Kate, one day we were close the next I was watching a new boyfriend being paraded around, and it hurt, more than if you had just said go to hell, not interested.

Once again Kate's tears fall, Rick's handkerchief was out and handed to her as he barely missed a beat,

"The last few days at the Hamptons were bittersweet, I knew things were changing, Pumpkin would be at Oxford soon, and Gina would be returning after the first month to take over American Operations. I had imposed a self-banishment on myself for the 12th, and really Ryan and Javier were never my friends, they were yours. Roz, Ann, and Lanie were the only ones who reached out, we had lunch with Alexis and Gina before we left, and they told me to call them if I needed them, other than that, it was a lonely time, a very lonely time in my life" he looked out to the bay, almost like he was remembering the fear and hurt,

"I worried how I was going to face the days, without the two women who I knew loved me for who and what I was, even with all the flaws that everyone else seemed to always point out. Honestly, I was more concerned if I had the strength to be away from them more than if what I wrote would be good enough. Then we were there, and things started moving very quickly.

"Beth met our limo, and immediately liked Gina, had mixed feelings about Paula but stood her ground and took charge as she should have. Honestly, it was a nice experience, but to say my heart jumped out of my chest when I first met her would be a lie. She was attractive, and well built, something that bothered Paula more than anyone else, but to me, she was the courteous assistant that was always at my call for work.

"Gina loved her and they got along like sisters, often gossiping that stopped when I walked into the room. She arranged for the new house, Fox Run bought the one I wanted, and Beth duplicated the loft for my portion, and Gina's townhouse for the guest suite, she set up in the very back of the home,"

"How far away was she from you Rick?" Kate didn't want to ask, but she couldn't help it,

"She was all the way in the back, I had to use an intercom to let her hear me if I called, it was larger than the precinct floor, so not close at all. Well at first, until, well we'll get to that," he said clearly uncomfortable telling Kate when the arrangement went from professional to personal,

"Do you remember the first letter you wrote to me once you left the states, Rick?"

He lowered his head and quietly said, "Yes, it took me a week to complete it,"

"What did it say?" she asked, quietly,

"It was the Incorporation papers for your Mother's scholarship fund, and a brief note thanking you for your gift of the book." He said, honest but not completely forthcoming, he remembered every line, every word of that letter,

"Do you remember what your last line was to me, I mean it's been a few years, *"

"_I said, Thank You for the Birthday gift, but please don't ever do that again, it is far too expensive for friends, much less associates", then I signed it, All the Best, Rick._ I hope you realize that I never wanted to lead anyone on, especially you or Beth. It wasn't fair to you to offer you false hope, my heart was moving towards her and away from you, no matter how much I missed you, I knew I loved you but I couldn't put the hurt behind me." He lowered his head, knowing his words would indeed hurt.

"That's fair Rick, it hurts like hell to hear it, but I can see where I had really done a number on you, and Beth was offering something I never did, herself. To be honest, if the roles were reversed, I probably wouldn't have hung in as long as you did with me.

"I know, I'm sorry but I have to tell you the truth, no sugar coating it. I came back to New York for Alexis graduation and thought about seeing you, but well, it was a short trip, and time got away from me, not to mention my nerves"

"I know you were here, I was there, way in the back, I had my patrol clothes on, so not to stand out as a guest, but appear to be part of the security. I saw how proud you and Gina both were, Valedictorian was a great honor. She gave a great speech Rick, I'm sure that was a message to you that you will always be her North Star, and she'll always look to you for guidance."

"You were there, why? I mean why did you come to the graduation if you didn't want to stop and see us, I mean for years Alexis looked to you as a role model. Part of her problem with what you did, was her disappointment in you, not hatred." Rick said in astonishment,

"I know Rick, I know, but I was still pretty messed up then, and well, I didn't want to start something I wasn't fully prepared for, not yet. I mean Beth was right next to you, and I really didn't know how far you two had progressed, looking at her, she was a woman in love, it would have been too hard." She said sadly,

"I think I know what you mean, Bob's good intentions with the Award ceremony almost sent me into a full-blown panic attack. Gina was blowing in my face in the hall, and then Beth brought an ice pack to put behind my neck, I didn't think I was going to be able to walk up to the stage.

"It was too much, the memory of the freezer, the cold, waking up to see Josh, then hearing the words 'It means we have a chance' sent me reeling, proving once again I wasn't good enough for you. I wasn't ready to forgive, but I had to, or I wouldn't have been able to make it through the rest of the day. I turned and then I heard your voice,"

"I'm sorry Rick, I knew it was lousy timing but I had to at least try one more time to talk, I know you looked like I had sucker-punched you when I asked, "Can we talk",

"Actually, it felt like it, I just had gotten out of discussions first with Beth, then Alexis and finally Gina told me I owed you a face to face, not to stoop to one of that kind of people, I turned and there you were. To say it shocked me, yeah it did. I thought we could talk and then I could move back to my family but when I introduced Beth to you, she told me they were going to the loft, and per Gina, I wasn't to come home till you and I worked some things out."

"I'm sorry Rick but it was my only chance to get you to talk to me, you wouldn't answer my texts, my emails or my calls, and I didn't know why? I still don't." She said, sadly,

Rick looked like he had the other night, the color drained from his face his fists clenched, and then he controlled his voice, "You still don't know why I didn't return your messages, until my birthday, is that what you are saying, Kate?" She could tell something had hit a nerve, and badly,

"Rick, you look just like the night of our fight, please let me explain where I was coming from, and why I said what I did. I didn't understand why you just cut me off, we had problems in the past and you always would talk to me, even with Demming, you well we worked it out."

"No Kate, we didn't work it out, I swallowed my pride and thought it was better to have some relationship with you the way things were, and even if I had been runner-up, I still had something going with you, or at least the chance. That was before Doctor MB, even the guys at the precinct were surprised with him, anyway it ended any hope of me telling you how I really felt.

"You still don't understand, I didn't leave because I wanted to leave Kate, I left because I had too, or go crazy. Every time I thought we were on the same page, or even close you did something to push me away. After the bomb incident, and we both came as close to death, not once but twice, in one day, I figured you wouldn't need a lot of time to make your decision for who you wanted to spend your life with.

"Imagine how I felt when I saw Josh, walking towards us with his wicked smile and he wrapped you in a hug, one you didn't resist. I was done, no place else to take this partnership, not without watching the one I love get it on with her new beau, so you see, it wasn't a choice, it was survival.

"I didn't know that Josh and you had broken up until I called you to thank you for my Birthday present one month later, which was far too expensive, but how was I to know that it was my turn, you had grown tired of Josh, and now that I had moved on, you wanted me?

"I'm sorry if that sounds cruel, but put yourself in that position, you wouldn't settle Kate, no matter how much you loved, you would rather die, that's just you. Again, I know this may hurt your feelings, but even I have a breaking point, and Josh was it for me, I wanted to move on, and start over.

"The only problem I had was the one I was trying to leave, kept trying to hang on, no matter how many calls I ignored, and believe me, Kate, every time I did, I beat myself up with guilt and struggled to keep away from you. I didn't, no I couldn't continue to be the other half of Josh, the part that supplied your emotional needs, while you bragged about his sexual prowess, so loud it was embarrassing sometimes."

He was opening up now, and everything he was saying was the truth. She hadn't realized it but Rick had been the emotional relationship she lacked with Josh, God no wonder he hurt so badly.

"When we walked down to Remy's I heard you saying some of the same things, you were still the cop on a mission to seek revenge, or justice, your call for your Mother. I understood it, I did, but it became more to you, it was your top priority, everything else came next.

"I can't live like that Kate, you said you loved me, but nothing had changed except Josh, and to be honest I thought why is it she only wants me when I am with someone, I'm sorry Kate, that's cruel, but we're getting it all out now,

"Now, I had to make a decision, to try again with you, or go back to England with a woman who did everything for me, put me first day and night, and was madly in love with me, even though she knew you still held my heart, well I really had some thinking to do. Then 10 days later Roy called and our worlds changed forever,"

He got very quiet, then heard the chime of the clock, it was two o'clock in the morning, he looked down as he said,

"It's late Kate, I'm tired, you go on to your room, I'm going for a walk then turning in," as he headed down to the beach,

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

"_**When we walked down to Remy's I heard you saying some of the same things, you were still the cop on a mission to seek revenge, or justice, your call for your Mother. I understood it, I did, but it became more to you, it was your top priority, everything else came next. **_

"_**I can't live like that Kate, you said you loved me, but nothing had changed except Josh, and to be honest I thought why is it she only wants me when I am with someone, I'm sorry Kate, that's cruel, but we're getting it all out now, **_

"_**Now, I had to make a decision, to try again with you, or go back to England with a woman who did everything for me, put me first day and night, and was madly in love with me, even though she knew you still held my heart, well I really had some thinking to do. Then 10 days later Roy called and our worlds changed forever,"**_

_**He got very quiet, then heard the chime of the clock, it was two o'clock in the morning, he looked down as he said,**_

"_**It's late Kate, I'm tired, you go on to your room, I'm going for a walk then turning in," as he headed down to the beach,**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 11**

**The Hamptons**

**3:12 AM Beach Side of Rick's Home**

Kate stood in astonishment, she had done it again, triggered something deep inside Rick, he hadn't shut down, but clearly, he wasn't ready to discuss the next chapter of his, well their lives, at least not yet. She thought once about joining him, but then rethought that idea, he walked away for a reason. He hadn't been cruel, but he certainly had opened up, spoke exactly what he had and was feeling.

She was tired, but there was no way she was going back to that bed, not the place that just hours earlier had seemed like the start of her dream come true, now more like a nightmare. She had not only seen him walk away, she knew just how deeply he had been hurt.

Two weeks ago, she would have bet the world he would never have said what he had about getting rid of his source of pain, her, but she asked for the truth. He was being truthful for sure, and once again she had downplayed his emotions, thinking she was the injured party when he left, how she felt, never considering the fact he left everything he was familiar with to escape, _oh my God, he left to escape me,_ she finally concluded.

The tears fell as she thought, what to do next, running away was always her first thought. She had promised to never run again, and if she did this time, it would be for the last time, she was positive of that. Gone was that push over, that man who would be her doormat, the fetch dog, God Damn Espo, why would he say something so cruel. But was it true, sadly as she thought back it was more truthful than she wanted to admit.

Even though she had promised not to run she had to get away, at least for a few minutes, just as he was clearing his head, she needed some space as well. She made a few inquiries on the search engine on her phone, made a call and then grabbed her purse and unlocked the front door and walked down the drive to the gate. A few minutes later headlights approached, and stopped, she got in and they used the turn around feature of the huge drive to exit the home.

Rick had just reached the back steps of the house when he saw the headlights, he walked around and saw the shadowy figure of Kate Beckett climb into the back seat of a Hampton's Village Cab. He continued inside the house, hurt and disappointed, so much for never leaving again, he should have known it was too good to be true.

He went to his office, reviewing the framed pictures, reviews, letters of thanks, but mostly pictures of him and Alexis throughout the years. A lump came to his throat, his little girl was grown, she didn't need Dad and would be gone soon, and he would be alone again, naturally.

He was about to pour three fingers of his favorited single malt whiskey when he heard the front door open, someone walk in, and then the door closed. He rose from his chair, forgetting the drink for now, and saw Kate struggling to balance two coffees and a bag as she made her way to the bar. He walked out to assist her, but she had already put the packages down. She turned and looked into his eyes, not saying a word,

Finally, after a brief staredown, he said, "I thought you left, I saw you get into a cab as I was coming up to the back entrance."

"You thought I was running away again didn't you, I don't blame you, Rick, old habits are hard to break. I realized when you were walking that we skipped dinner, and I hadn't had my coffee, which is why I probably have this damn headache.

"I searched for open businesses and called a cab. I didn't know how long you were going to need, but I wasn't going to crowd you, so I called the cab and got a couple of sandwiches and bear claws for us."

"Kate, there's a whole display of coffee's and the fridge is stocked, I'm sorry, I guess I never got around to showing you, did I? Yes, I did think you were leaving, I mean you did but you came back. I guess we need to define safe spaces when we talk, I mean, I eh"

"It's OK Rick, I understand, I would have thought the same thing as you had I been in your shoes, but I promised you I wouldn't run, I was going to leave you a note but where the heck does a writer lock up the pens and paper?"

He smiled nervously, not his real smile, but he did walk to the sandwich than Kate held in his direction, it had been several hours since either of them had eaten, and the food was good. Kate was already working on her bear claw when Rick looked up. He put on a pot of coffee, and brought out her sugar-free vanilla flavoring, then walked to the couch.

"I guess since we're both up, we should talk," he said nervously,

"I agree, I need to know the triggers, Rick, just like my PTSD. I need to know what is going to trigger that kind of response from you. I know you're hurting, but it's not my intention, when I ask a question it's not me trying to duck my responsibility in the fuck ups.

"Truth be told, I own probably 90% of them, but we can't keep hurting each other, and when you dismiss me and walk away, to a bedroom, or to the beach, it destroys me. I lose the faith I have built up that yes, we can make it, that there is enough love and forgiveness in us both, you know how I am, and how hard this is for me but know I am trying, I really am." Her tears fall, this time **he** felt the guilt of hurting her, this was on him. She was right, she was trying, doing everything in her power to make it work, answering any question, apologizing sincerely, what the hell did he want he thought.

He crossed over to her, and held her in his arms, "Babe, I'm sorry, you're right, this is on me, I hurt you, please forgive me, I'm sorry. This is new to me, I've never been in a relationship where I cared so much, that the pain was almost physical when we disagree. You're right, I shouldn't have walked away, or dismissed you, I promise, no more, please forgive me."

She pulled her head back to look into his eyes, and she gently said, "Did you say relationship Rick is that what this is, just so I know. I want it, have wanted it for so long and so badly, but I don't want to assume anything." Her tears still pooling in her eyes as she fought to get control,

"YES Babe, I did say Relationship, that is if you will have me. You have to know I have loved you since we met, I tried, oh how I tried to change it, but my heart wasn't mine anymore, it's been yours for years."

"So, we're in a relationship, like a boyfriend and a girlfriend, Rick, I can't screw this up, and I'm usually not this stupid, but I want to be sure, we are both saying the same thing. If you are asking, then Babe, you know the answer is and will always be yes, I love you more than life. I'm sorry I wasted so much time, and even tonight I upset you, again, I have to work on that"

"No Kate, we have to work on that, by staying and just saying that hurt me, not getting up and walking away like a high school kid, I'm so sorry. You told me you wanted me to hold you accountable, you wanted to fight, then you wanted to, well you know"

She laughed, "Yes Babe, I know, I said it, I meant it, I want to fuck your brains out,"

"Does that offer still hold, Kate, or was I such an ass, I blew it"

They didn't make it to the bedroom for round one, or two. Finally, they stumbled into their big bed, and a good night kiss started the fireworks all over again. This time it was Kate who made good on her promise, she surprised Rick with some of her moves, he never complained. They finally crashed together in a heap, her laying half on top of him, his arm holding her close to him, she had to feel him, and it seemed he felt the same. She was right, Makeup Sex was the most passionate of any kind, at least so far.

Xx

The next morning, well, 11:10 AM, they both awoke within minutes, and after good morning kisses, they were far past the point of worrying about morning breath, they stumbled to the kitchen for freshly squeezed orange juice, and Rick's special coffee he made just for her.

"Babe, do you normally run every day or was that just to work off the energy like you did the other night. I'm guessing by the performance, and the body improvements it's a morning ritual."

"You would be right, I try to run 3 to 5 miles a day, it burns up some of the, well it did, I mea"

"Babe, I run to work off loneliness too, it's OK, just come out and say it. Let's run together on the beach and then we can shower, SEPERATELY, so we can get some lunch, and then finish our talk, what do you think?"

He pulled into him, hugged her tightly, then kissed the top of her head, then locked on her eyes, and planted a kiss on the end of her nose. "I won't start something I know we shouldn't, later OK Babe?"

"I'll hold you to it, if you don't initiate the guns, then I guess I will. Gosh, that feels so good to be able to talk so openly with you. I know, I know, I still have to get through some rough water, but Babe, where are you at and who are you with now? Me, that's what I keep reminding myself of, as unbelievable as it sounds, I keep pinching myself to make sure it's true.

"I like that Kate, please just take it easy on me, I know you've been running for years, you're right, I started it out of boredom, but liked the results so I made it a habit."

"Well, I have to tell you, and don't let this go to your head, but you and that Bod, WOW you look, great love, so don't be surprised if my claws come out to any female trying to encroach on my man." She smiled, but Rick knew she was serious.

They ran four and a half miles, splashing each other and playing as if they were kids, the last quarter mile they ran actually holding hands. As they began their cool down walk Kate, turned his head, and kissed him sweetly, then said, "I love you Babe" then kissed him again. His arm went around her waist as they walked together to their house, and up the stairs from the beach. It was all Kate could do to keep Rick headed to his own shower, she managed to get clean and dressed, working on her hair and make-up before he appeared,

"You're beautiful without any of that stuff Kate, I love you and you don't need any of that makeup for me."

"You're sweet Rick, but I can see where I need help, but I cut back a lot since I do everything to please my man now. God that sounds so damn good, my man," he leaned in and kissed her,

"My Woman finally got our heads out of the sand, I do love you Kate, and when we get back, let's try something new. If I say something that is hurtful, or you need a few minutes, then can we go to a safe room, wherever you want that to be. When I saw the headlights last night and walked in to find you gone, my heart broke into pieces all over again."

Kate bowed her head, she hadn't thought about that, but now she understood, "I'm so sorry Babe, it wasn't meant to be more than just a trip to get the sandwiches and coffee, but with my record, I can understand where and why you felt like you did. I like the safe room, either of us can go there up to one hour, then we need to really talk it out, Rick. I don't want things to string on, like well, I mean,"

"It's OK Kate, I know what you mean, no more lies, no more hiding the truth and I like the one-hour time frame, it keeps us focused on what we need to do, talk about what happened if we ever want to talk about where we want to go."

"I haven't asked, but, Babe any clues on where you want this to go? I know in my heart where I do, but, I need to prove to you*"

"Stop Kate, you have proved to me, you're in this, all the way, and I am as well. I want to take it slow but I do want you to move in with me, I mean we both love each other, and we've wasted enough time already."

"You want me to move in with you Rick, are you sure? I mean that's a huge step Babe, what if you wind up hating some of my habits, I mean I can be a bitch sometimes," she looked up to see his face with the expression like I haven't seen you at your worse,"

"Scratch that, forget I said anything because you're right, we aren't getting any younger so I think living together would be the next logical step."

His smile couldn't be wider, then he looked out the window, and got very serious, "Except"

"Except what Babe, did I do something, did you change your mind, please tell me" panic all over her face,

"Except you would be sacrificing your one and only rule, I remember the day you said you weren't a try and try again if things didn't work out, you were more of a one and done type of girl, and really you are giving up your standards to move in under these circumstances."

"Yeah, funny, my one was already done before I even met you, some standard I set, so you don't want to move in together now Babe? I mean it's a lot, and I, well I will be OK" she said tears at the very edge of her beautiful eyes,

"Kate, would you excuse me for just one minute, I promise I'll be right back" she looked totally confused as he went into the office, perhaps he needed to use the bathroom, God she hoped it wasn't anything she had done now.

As promised, he was back in less than a minute, "I think I owe you an explanation, and also an answer to your question. The question first, I never wanted to live with someone more than I want to live with you, so you're thinking where the hell did he go. Well, I had to get something, you see Kate, I bought this the summer I spent here, alone, hoping, praying that someday you would be standing where you are and I could ask, as he dropped to one knee,

"Katherine Haughton Beckett, would you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me? If you need more time or want to wait till we finish talking about the last few years*"

"Rick, Shut Up, you didn't give me a chance to answer, YES, HELL YES, I will marry you, I love you." Now the tears were really flowing as he slipped a beautiful ring on her finger.

"I know you would always doubt where you stood, had I truly forgiven you or where we one argument away from splitting, the answer is NO, for both of us. This is my commitment to you Kate, I don't care what happened in your past, I am your present, your future, and you are mine. Right now, Babe, I've never been surer of what I wanted before in my life, God, I'm so happy you said yes." His eyes were misty, as he kissed the future Mrs. Castle for the first time.

"God kissing my fiancé is so much better than my boyfriend, I have to tell you." She smiled through her tears,

He held her, feeling the love vibes coming without a word being spoken, it was almost like the passion was brand new, a renaissance of passion and love was how his heartfelt.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

**A Renaissance of Passion **

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.**

**Previously **

_**As promised, he was back in less than a minute, "I think I owe you an explanation, and also an answer to your question. The question first, I never wanted to live with someone more than I want to live with you, so you're thinking where the hell did, he go. Well, I had to get something, you see Kate, I bought this the summer I spent here, alone, hoping, praying that someday you would be standing where you are and I could ask,**_

"_**Katherine Haughton Beckett, would you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me? If you need time or want to wait till we finish talking about the last few years*"**_

"_**Rick, Shut Up, you didn't give me a chance to answer, YES, HELL YES, I will marry you, I love you." Now the tears were really flowing as he slipped a beautiful ring on her finger.**_

"_**I know you would always doubt where you stood, had I truly forgiven you or where we one argument away from splitting, the answer is NO, for both of us. This is my commitment to you Kate, I don't care what happened in your past, I am your present, your future, and you are mine. Right now, Babe, I've never been surer of what I wanted before in my life, God, I'm so happy you said yes." His eyes were misty, as he kissed the future Mrs. Castle for the first time.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 12**

**The Hamptons**

**Later that Day **

Kate had held him for the longest time, whispering, I love you, planting sweet kisses on his cheeks, head, and when she could his lips, to say she was ecstatic was the understatement of the year. They lay together on the swing sofa on the veranda and just listened to the waves slap the shore, neither saying a word, but Rick feeling the moisture on his shirt.

"I hope those are happy tears Kate, I hate to think I have made you cry already,"

"Rick they are, the happiest of tears, I was just thinking I wasted all those years, you bought my ring that long ago? What a fool I was to chase you into the arms of another woman. I don't know what went wrong, but if I'm the one that you know will make you happy, I really don't care. I'm not going anywhere Rick, not even for coffee, ever again." She laughed then raised her head and kissed him with all the passion she could find.

"Speaking of that Babe, we still need to finish the story, for you and for me, right?" He grimaced,

"I know love, I know, but it's all going to be fine, actually more than fine, I already know the ending to this book, and I got my man, so even if some tears are going to fall, it won't change that." She smiled and patted his arm, ready when you are Rick," she smiled through the happy tears, looking at her ring finger, still not believing she was engaged to Richard Castle, her, a mere cop.

"Well we had our talk, walked to Remy's which was great and I enjoyed it, although I was still hurt, upset and disappointed in you, I never thought the world would stop just ten days later. Roy called me, got me to his house to talk since he had sent Evelyn and the girls away, he told me everything. I hated him, I loved him, I wanted to spit in his face, then the really threw me into a tailspin. He told me his plan and that he needed to lure them there with you showing up.

"I had one job, park in the back come through the side door Roy had propped open and stay out of sight and quiet till he called me. When he called, I was to take you out of the hangar, even if I needed to hit you. To Roy, it was a matter of life and death for you, I guess he was right but at the time we had a hell of a fight. I called him all kinds of names, coward, turncoat, spy, and gutless were just some, I told him to get Ryan or Espo, that I was done, I didn't work cases anymore." Rick's voice almost cracked, he looked out to the bay, trying to regain his composure,

"What's the matter Rick, was it what Roy said, let it out Babe, he's gone, and I've forgiven him, I did a long time ago. Maybe it's time for you to get closure from this as well, come one, I'm right here." She held his hand, allowed him a few minutes, then kissed him gently as he cleared his voice.

"Well, I started to walk out, then he yelled, I'll never forget the words he used or his tone, _**'Castle if you think I'm kidding, just keep on walking. IF she doesn't mean a damn to you as you say then walk on, you won't have to worry about it. **_

"_**But Rick, hear me, and hear me good, her blood will be on your hands, and you'll never be able to look at yourself in a mirror again knowing you could have saved her but let your arrogance and pride get in the way. **_

"_**Go on, get out of here, I don't know why I thought I could count on you, but know this Rick, no one, I mean no one can control Beckett. You come close, and even then, I'm sure you're going to have to carry her out, but you don't care"**_

Kate watched his eyes fill with tears as he recounted the incident, probably for the first time since it happened. She pulled him into a hug, and held him tight,

"Babe, oh Babe, have you told anyone about this, I mean I see how this is tearing you apart, but Rick, I'm here, you did save me, you carried me out, but you saved me." She took his face between her hands, kissed him sweetly, and watched as the tears slid slowly down each cheek, eventually turning into sobs as she held him, the love of her life, her fiancé. God, he had carried this for so long, she had been released and free, but he still carried her baggage, even when he was with someone else.

She held him for about ten minutes till he cleared his voice, locked on her eyes with his, the way that drove her crazy with love for this man, and then gently said, "Ready to continue?" She nodded, and he began again.

We were in your apartment, planning Roy's service, and I still had a very worried feeling, I don't know what it was, but you and I hadn't talked, not since the blow up a few days earlier, and I thought, perhaps I shouldn't have even been there*"

"**STOP, Rick God Damn** it you were and are my partner, you had every right to be there, and if you weren't, I know I would have fallen apart without you to lean on, so no more of that, please Babe, no more feeling unworthy. Rick, you are enough, you are more than enough and you always will be for me, I love you."

"Well we both know what happened, I saw the sun flash off the barrel one split second too late, or"

"Rick if you hadn't knocked me when you did, the shot would have killed me, he was a trained assassin, they don't miss. I'm just so sorry you had to see that, even more, that Alexis now thinks you love me more than her and hates me for it,"

"She doesn't hate you, Kate, she's, well her and Gina both were so afraid that I would go through another bout of depression, it got pretty bad, and I really don't think I would be here without my pumpkin and Gina, they love me and sometimes voice their opinions a bit too loud. They'll come around, they haven't seen the version of Kate that I am going to marry, that is if she will still have me."

She turned his head, and one kiss led to a massive make-out session they finally had to break when hands began to roam, and both were enjoying it too much. They would never get this story out if this continued,

"I hope I answered your question, Rick, do you think I still want you, my future husband. I am still a little concerned about how Alexis is going to take the new though."

"Kate, please let me handle that, besides, Mike wasn't my first choice, nor Gina's either but we trusted her judgment and let her love who her heart led her to, that's all I ask of her."

"Well, OK Rick, but I just hope she can forgive me."

"Well, when you were, eh wounded"

"Rick I was shot, please Babe, just say the words, I'm fine Babe, no more coddling please"

"OK when you were shot, and I was holding you on the ground, I meant those words then and I mean then now. I was so torn about what to do, then well, you didn't exactly tell me the truth, and I knew I had to give you some time. All you talked about was getting out of the hospital and getting the bastard who shot you and paid to have your Mom killed. You were actually more driven than ever, that meant that you had no room for me, for anything else.

"I knew I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship with you or anyone, I didn't know if I ever would be. I guess I was a mess when I got home from seeing you and saying goodbye to Roy, and Gina sat me down for a talk. Kate, if you don't want to hear this part, we can*"

"I want to hear, well, I don't but I know I need to hear it to know where I screwed up so badly, I practically took your hand and placed into Beth's, I'm fine Babe" she smiled a smile, he and she both knew it was forced, but she needed to hear from his perspective how things happened.

"I explained, well started to explain things to Beth, but she knew you owned my heart, and that at the time it was in a million pieces, the first time we actually went out, I think we talked for four hours. She had a background similar to mine, hers was due to a major screwup or as she put it, cock-up on her part when she was a rebellious teenager.

"She had been married young, all the horror stories that went along with that, including hospital stays for broken bones, and finally a divorce and alone after a miscarriage in Philadelphia, she made her way back to London, reconciled with her parents, then lost her Dad two years later, so it meant a lot to her that as she said, 'They were good' with each other, meaning nothing unresolved.

"By this time, we had been working together for almost 10 months, and I knew she was attracted to me, (Rick paused as Kate teared up, and then wiped her eye) then continued slowly. Well I hadn't been with anyone since Gina, and she was the one that kept encouraging Beth, even though I knew it would hurt her, much like now, but well things happened, and then we returned to England.

"She was always advocating for me to forgive you, Kate, she didn't want to win me by default or so she said later. She knew after a while that yes, I cared a great deal for her, I tried to love her, God I tried. When I got the news that you were married, well it hit home that there would never be anything more between us. Things got closer, well for a month or so, till she pulled back and told me I had to forgive you and move on, or return and try to make a go of it, she couldn't go on being a substitute for you.

"We tried a lot of things, she wanted to go to counseling, but I didn't. I didn't need someone to tell me why I wasn't committing to her, why I wouldn't go past the girlfriend stage, even as many hints as she left. Finally, she had enough and asked me when if ever would we get past this stage of our relationship.

"It hadn't been the most romantic relationship for quite some time, because intimate times led to her wanting to discuss next steps, me avoiding them, and we both grew tired of the arguments. She knew Kate, she always knew that you were my only true love.

She had talked to Gina before we even dated, and she warned her, that as she said: "the relationship could get crowded with three of you in it, you, Kate and Rick, so be sure you know what you're signing up for." Well, we thought we could work past a memory, but I was wrong, I couldn't work past you, I didn't want to, even the hurtful times in my memories were still times I spent with you."

He paused, Kate was wiping a steady flow of tears from her eyes, trying to stay quiet, but the tears fell, from those beautiful eyes, and Rick felt the pain all over again.

"I was an ASS Kate, I tried to run, to get away, and over you and your memories, I forgot that my heart was and will always be with you. I know you have hurt the last few years, so have I, and don't feel too bad for Beth, we talked for about six months after we split and I returned to the states, till she got engaged to a great guy, more her age, and more her style. She's happy, and she asked me if I would do one more thing, for her, for Gina, and for all those that had ever loved me whether it be from near or far,

"I thought she was high on reading Keating or some of the other old poets, but she said, _'Rick, go find your heart, you and I both know where it is, and I know it's been taken care of. Forgive her Rick, we all screw up, forgive her and be happy, please?'_ Then after I promised her I would, she asked if we would come to the wedding, I told her that it would be a bit soon, but we would send a gift, our love, and best wishes.

"Then she asked me if we would let her know WHEN we finally got together, she knew that no other woman would ever satisfy my need, and she was pretty sure I was the one for you. She told me no woman hurts over a man she doesn't truly love, and Rick, I think you are about even on the hurting game, so please for yourself, for Kate, and for all those that love you, let go of the fear and love her. What's the worst that could happen, hell it already has, so don't even go there, go be happy.

"I left for New York that afternoon, for the last time, I was sad for wasting her time, I was sad that I had missed the opportunity with you, don't forget I only knew you were married then, I was feeling very old when my Grandson started talking and walking, and my daughter didn't have time for Dad, so it wasn't a happy time when I came home."

"Is that why you sold the loft and the entire building, Rick, because it made you sad?" Kate asked in a tearful voice,

"Yes, I thought of all the parties, all the gang, Espo is somewhere in Florida, Roy and Mother gone, and now most of the poker gang gone, Bob is just Bob no more Mayor Bob, so yeah too many things had changed. The one that hurt me the most was when I tried to call Detective Beckett and was told that Captain Beckett had retired over a year ago, and left no forwarding address. I thought of all those calls I didn't answer, texts I didn't read and now I couldn't even locate you."

"Do you want to know why Rick? I mean you'll figure it out eventually but do you want me to put you out of your misery now?"

"Yes, please" came his reply, not cocky, sincere as he looked at her as if he was worshiping every inch of her in his mind.

"When you left, I doubled down on school, well I couldn't let the department know of everything that was going on, so I used my middle name to set up an alias, just like Richard Rogers became Rick Castle, Katherine Beckett, became Kate Houghton, my middle name was used to set up my law firm and all my property holdings. I wish I had the courage to have called you when I did it, but I thought for sure a wedding notice would be coming from Fox Run, I'm sorry you were alone for a year and searching for me."

"Who said I was searching for you?"

Her patented eye roll had not lost any of its allure, as he laughed, "OK I was searching, I just happened to run into Lanie and got the idea of the get together at the Haunt as a passing thought."

"I'm glad you did Rick, and I'm glad this ring was saved for me, I know you needed someone to take care of you, I just wish it could have been me, but from now on, it's me and you, no one else, Understand."

"Agreed" he kissed her deeply, I think we need to go inside, as they both noticed the stars had replaced the sun, and night had fallen all around them. Lost in their own renaissance of passion, one that would last their lifetimes.

The End

**A/N Once again leaving in the capable hands of you readers to decide how their Happily ever after comes about, or if enough interest I would be open for a short sequel, starting here and working into their lives as Kate the Attorney and Rick well, maybe he would be a writer, or maybe something else. Open for suggestions,**


End file.
